my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

#1 25 June 2011 19:58:28

teacher13
teacher13
cairo

my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

I don't know where to turn to find a solution. Since I married this Egyptian man, we were supposed to live in our own appart., I ended up living with his mumand divorced sister for 2 years, I moved to a new old place and he parted hid time between me and his mum's hous..felt I was the 2nd wife...we kept on parting our time between his mum's house and hourse twice a week , especially that now I have a baby  cannot move all the time ..he is angry when I say I don;t wonna go....I feel I have an overdose of his family and I told him...the only thing he said U R BREAKING OUR MARRIAGE ! it's this or we dont' carry on ! don't know what to do ...is this normal ? help me plz . many thx

#2 26 June 2011 20:43:31

Boby moon
Boby moon
Cairo

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

From an expert judgment …lets change places, suppose now all of you are at Algeria and you will have to look after your mom and be at your place and her’s daily or even every after a day.
To tell you the truth, mothers here in Egypt, especially classic ones ( who were youth at the 50’s – 60 ‘s) are different, you can get a win win situation if you managed to reach a middle solution for both of you.
In Egypt, family bonds are strong and family socialization on weekly basis is the trend unless he /she is a single son/daughter or as (don moe) mentioned.
My advice is: try to be political, politics works with Egyptians 
But you have to believe that all of your hearts are in the hands of god, he stirs it as he wants, so ask god to help you turn your hearts to the best for your family and your life, not what you need or want.
You are now in a bond called family whether with your husband’s family externally or with your husband and baby internally, so be political in your actions and ask god as he knows best
Each man got a key, keys are different from man to another, even mothers in law got keys especially here in Egypt.
But remember before taking any action that you are not alone, and you have to think of the future that will rely on your decisions whether it is better or worse for the family that consists of you your husband and the baby at the top then husbands family and your family after.
Hope any of my words were beneficial to you.

Last edited by Boby moon (27 June 2011 11:13:26)

#3 27 June 2011 10:39:22

mero928
mero928
Gizah

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

Hello, I know well ur husband situation.belive it or not , he didnt want this situation to be like this but he has commitments and responsibilities towards his big family ( his mum and sister).

If u want him and nice life, u should support him as a wife(as I expect)

Every man wants calm life with his wife as they r together (No one searches for troubles) but it is his fate and u should support him.

Dont let his mind compare (or differentiate)between his mother and his wife, this is a lose situation. All win strategy will work pretty good here.

(forgive my hard language, but it touches me also , so I speak as ur husband wants to say ).

#4 27 June 2011 12:33:36

kkmmnnaa2000
kkmmnnaa2000
Cairo-Maadi

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

Dear, its normal story we hear it here since long time ago specially if he is the only son, listen you have a lot of things you can do, but before doing anything you should ask your self do you really love your husband is he good lovely kind person so I can do a lot for him to keep him happy or ……… and when you figure out what is the type of relation between you and him you can addressed your issue very easy, believe me it’s worth to try specially with your lovely baby, so the first step is to know where you are in your relation with your husband, second step to deal with the situation.

#5 28 June 2011 14:33:19

alimirza

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

Well  from my experience as I have married an Egyptian , Here in Egypt mother have general trend that they want their kids to be more towards them even after their marriages which is to some extent not practical but you cant really help as this is the culture. Secondly I faceed the same issues with my wife as her mother wanted her to visit two time at-least in a week which is very troublesome as her mother place is quite far from my residence. But later I realized it as a Culture. the best way is to give enough space to each other to breath. I am sure your Husband at times doesn't like this too but he is helpless as its a culture where he was brought up . In such situation understanding each other is the best way. Now my wife goes 1-2 time only in a month to her mother which is totally OKAY for me :). the key is to communicate with out complain and give space to each other . Wish you best of Luck !

Last edited by alimirza (28 June 2011 14:34:35)

#6 28 June 2011 22:27:09

valibilic
valibilic
cairo

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

That s why Egyptian girls don t marry till their husband provide a separate home. To be sure that they have their privacy, and also they establish some rules from the beginning.
Accepting to marry with a man that didn t have his own home for you, already you custom him with being with 3 women in the same time: you, his sister and his mother.
Even if you move on the moon, he will do the same, cause here family feelings are priority. This will not be a big deal, but you have to fight with all of them, they will turn him against you. He has to share money with all of them, his time and so on.
My mother in law was between me and my ex- husband even after she died.
After more than 25 years of marriage, I gave up, to keep my brain clear and not to disturb the rest of my life that I still have to live, with all these relatives.
Try to be diplomatic and if it doesn t work ask your parents what shall you do. They know better than all people here. We can t take a decision for a life a someone.

#7 29 June 2011 00:35:12

alimirza

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

well said Valibilic.

Completely Agree , We are no one here to suggest about your life . Should take your parents in consideration they know the best after you

#8 30 June 2011 17:17:02

Talanathas
Talanathas
Nova Scotia

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

While you need to adjust a bit to you're husbands attatchment to his family, he needs to respect that you come from a culturally different background where this is not the norm for a married couple. It's about comprimise and respect from you both. This might mean you spending more time with his family, and him more time away from them with you and your baby doing things as an individual family.

#9 25 August 2011 00:40:36

teacher13
teacher13
cairo

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

many thanks to all of u who took the time to read and answe to my post...all your advices are considered in my mind and will do my best to get the best of it...may you all find happiness with ur loved ones....

Teacher

#12 31 August 2011 00:46:10

osshuss
osshuss
Cairo

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

Great replies all people over here ,wish for you the best and hope we will see another post that everything is going well with you :)

#13 01 September 2011 12:12:21

The Egyptian

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

One thing I need to say ... and please don't take no offense ... In all objectivity, all wives who are angry with their mothers-in-law for the eternal battle to monopolize the man they share in their life ......  Try to think of what she went through to bring up this young man ..... She had to go through pregnancy, labor, endless nights of crying, feeding, diaper changing, schooling .... bla bla bla ..... For over two decades she had to take care of him ..... She's the one who made him the man he is right now .... She's - in huge part - responsible for him being the wonderful man you have fallen in love with .....

And if she right now has no other man to count on (husband is dead, or divorced ... or no other adult sons ....bla bla bla), who can she go to? Put yourself in her shoes after twenty something years when the young man you carried in your womb for 9 months and jumped through hoops to bring him up is now married and is away from you because his wife thinks she has an "overdose" of your family.

If your husband's family is abusive (verbally or otherwise) I'd understand, but please try to be understanding.


Last but not least, Prophet Mohammad said when someone asked him about who's the most deserving person of his company, he said "Your mother .... then your mother .... then your mother .... then your father" .......

#14 01 September 2011 14:29:18

purple_be
purple_be
Cairo

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

The Egyptian you must love your mother and me too ... very touchy message .. I hope my son will love me this way or even more lol isa :) but in another hand sometimes we must as well understand the wife ... all mothers was wives before and all mothers had mother in law ... Is just in any relation brothers and sisters , friends , wife and husband , etc... there sometimes tension, this is life ... we must try to make this life with less fighting and more love ... is hard but that can work with communication and dialogue ... this is the key for all relation .... in Islam the mother has her rights and the wife too ....

Peace ...

#16 01 September 2011 17:01:43

The Egyptian

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

purple_be wrote:

The Egyptian you must love your mother and me too ... very touchy message .. I hope my son will love me this way or even more lol isa :) but in another hand sometimes we must as well understand the wife ... all mothers was wives before and all mothers had mother in law ... Is just in any relation brothers and sisters , friends , wife and husband , etc... there sometimes tension, this is life ... we must try to make this life with less fighting and more love ... is hard but that can work with communication and dialogue ... this is the key for all relation .... in Islam the mother has her rights and the wife too ....

Peace ...

Believe me I know that some mothers in law are really evil .... but let's not stereotype ..... and my post is written with the assumption that the husband is doing all he has to do towards his wife and children (emotionally, financially ....etc.) and is not doing an underhanded job of course and is giving his wife all of her rights, but believe me, every wife should remember that one day she'll be a mother in law and that she has to treat her mother in law the way she wants her future daughter (or son) in law to treat her.

#18 02 September 2011 02:00:36

purple_be
purple_be
Cairo

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

The Egyptian wrote:

purple_be wrote:

The Egyptian you must love your mother and me too ... very touchy message .. I hope my son will love me this way or even more lol isa :) but in another hand sometimes we must as well understand the wife ... all mothers was wives before and all mothers had mother in law ... Is just in any relation brothers and sisters , friends , wife and husband , etc... there sometimes tension, this is life ... we must try to make this life with less fighting and more love ... is hard but that can work with communication and dialogue ... this is the key for all relation .... in Islam the mother has her rights and the wife too ....

Peace ...

Believe me I know that some mothers in law are really evil .... but let's not stereotype ..... and my post is written with the assumption that the husband is doing all he has to do towards his wife and children (emotionally, financially ....etc.) and is not doing an underhanded job of course and is giving his wife all of her rights, but believe me, every wife should remember that one day she'll be a mother in law and that she has to treat her mother in law the way she wants her future daughter (or son) in law to treat her.

I agree with you when you say : every wife should remember that one day she'll be a mother in law and that she has to treat her mother in law the way she wants her future daughter (or son) in law to treat her.

But we don't know to much about her story so like you say let's not stereotype about the story ....

nighty all :)

#20 02 September 2011 03:21:06

The Egyptian

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

purple_be wrote:

The Egyptian wrote:

purple_be wrote:

The Egyptian you must love your mother and me too ... very touchy message .. I hope my son will love me this way or even more lol isa :) but in another hand sometimes we must as well understand the wife ... all mothers was wives before and all mothers had mother in law ... Is just in any relation brothers and sisters , friends , wife and husband , etc... there sometimes tension, this is life ... we must try to make this life with less fighting and more love ... is hard but that can work with communication and dialogue ... this is the key for all relation .... in Islam the mother has her rights and the wife too ....

Peace ...

Believe me I know that some mothers in law are really evil .... but let's not stereotype ..... and my post is written with the assumption that the husband is doing all he has to do towards his wife and children (emotionally, financially ....etc.) and is not doing an underhanded job of course and is giving his wife all of her rights, but believe me, every wife should remember that one day she'll be a mother in law and that she has to treat her mother in law the way she wants her future daughter (or son) in law to treat her.

I agree with you when you say : every wife should remember that one day she'll be a mother in law and that she has to treat her mother in law the way she wants her future daughter (or son) in law to treat her.

But we don't know to much about her story so like you say let's not stereotype about the story ....

nighty all :)

No stereotyping on my side whatsoever and I apologize if I was misunderstood .... Anyways her problem apparently is the feeling that her husband's family are hogging his time and money and this is normal for any woman since all women - especially middle eastern - are very possessive of their husbands ..... (stereotype here ..... pun intended)

Last edited by The Egyptian (02 September 2011 03:22:27)

#21 02 September 2011 15:32:24

mosu
mosu
Prague

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

Why i found here almost advice on how understanding and tolerant she should be...because should understand her man...because its his tradition and culture...etc. Where is common sense? What about her? Where is understanding from her husband and his family? Why she must act like some slave in her marriage and his family, when she isn't comfortable with that? In most of cultures over world the privacy is num.one. And family too much involved in our privacy is the bigger issue for breaking marrige. I live here longer time and i know also a lot europeans living with theim egyptian husband in Europe, and even when they are far from home, they acting like spoiled children. When the man want to marry expat from different culture he must be able also accept her willing and her culture! If he can't, better marry with some local girl. U can find sometimes also in Europe or any another countries over world unhealthy chain with family, but not too many. Such marriages never works well in cultures where we learn take responsibility for our life and respect each other privacy even inside family. Valibic, totally agree with u! Alimirza also agree to make decision in half way...limited time what should suit for both. But they must talk about that openly and make border around theim marriage if they want keep it works.

#22 02 September 2011 16:00:38

Ktyu

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

Hello everyone and a belated eid mubarak,

i wanted to send a note from a born & raised cdn female who has experienced marriage on both sides (western & egyptian). perhaps i can give some perspective but i preface it by saying all cultures carry their own unique code of conduct, however, just about every one i've encountered reiterates the addage "blood is thicker than water". it is not meant to alienate (at least not in its purest intent). i have witnessed true eternal love closely - my aunt and uncle eloped against family wishes (bride's father (my grandfather) was a catholic) and were truly in love for over 40 yrs until my uncle passed away. the secret: they made one another their no. 1 priority. however, my brother married his highschool sweetheart (they've been together since they were 16; now 40) and her family (sicilian) disowned my poor sister in law until she had their first child then they came around and realized this marriage was built on love. in the west, we tend to put our spouses first as they are the ones we build a nuclear family with, they care and nuture each other and God willing, grow old together with. but please don't think that family (again the familial blood line) doesn't interfere - they do and the addage is always repeated..."blood is thicker than water". maybe we handle it differently in north america. my own personal experience with marriage provide me with lessons i would never have learned otherwise. marriage is a relationship that will test us all. the one thing i can say about egyptian men that i really really value, is their loyalty. you may not agree with it and sometimes may feel betrayed, nevertheless, they are loyal to their clan. good luck with your marriage teacher 13, i mean that sincerely. i hope that your husband is kind and you remember the bond that brought you together. try to keep it in front of you every day. it will keep your love real. God bless.
k

Last edited by Katyusha (02 September 2011 16:43:44)

#23 02 September 2011 16:12:15

The Egyptian

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

well said, Katyusha ..... I am all for the nuclear family and making your spouse #1 .... Still, wives should never try to alienate their husbands from their family and vice versa ......

#24 02 September 2011 16:34:47

Ktyu

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

The Egyptian wrote:

well said, Katyusha ..... I am all for the nuclear family and making your spouse #1 .... Still, wives should never try to alienate their husbands from their family and vice versa ......

you're a wise ol soul...ultimatums never work. how can you expect a positive outcome when you back a man/woman into a corner. "free will" is the only way i'm convinced. every marriage is a contract defined by the two people in it. yes, its a fluid agreement to some extent, but i feel in my heart, that sometimes people love as best they can whilst navigating the expectations their families and society place on them. a man's honour is paramount and to lose face with his family or community if he is seen to submit to his wife, then i'm sorry, that's not a happy man. (i will get pins stuck in me for saying that i'm sure :/)

#27 17 March 2012 01:13:46

don moe
don moe
Cairo,Maadi

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

mosu wrote:

Why i found here almost advice on how understanding and tolerant she should be...because should understand her man...because its his tradition and culture...etc. Where is common sense? What about her? Where is understanding from her husband and his family? Why she must act like some slave in her marriage and his family, when she isn't comfortable with that? In most of cultures over world the privacy is num.one. And family too much involved in our privacy is the bigger issue for breaking marrige. I live here longer time and i know also a lot europeans living with theim egyptian husband in Europe, and even when they are far from home, they acting like spoiled children. When the man want to marry expat from different culture he must be able also accept her willing and her culture! If he can't, better marry with some local girl. U can find sometimes also in Europe or any another countries over world unhealthy chain with family, but not too many. Such marriages never works well in cultures where we learn take responsibility for our life and respect each other privacy even inside family. Valibic, totally agree with u! Alimirza also agree to make decision in half way...limited time what should suit for both. But they must talk about that openly and make border around theim marriage if they want keep it works.

Its too complicated!!

#29 24 March 2012 01:16:00

happyguy

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

I'M VERY SAD TEACHER TO READ THAT
I FELT THAT YOU ARE A VERY GOOD PERSON AND I FEEL HOW YOU LIVE NOW
BUT YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF AND USE YOUR MIND
DOES HE LOVE STILL LOVE YOU ?? IF YES , YOU SHOULD CONTINUE WITH HIM AND ALSO YOU KEEP IN YOUR MIND THAT MOTHER IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE AND WIFE TOO , SO HE SHOULD BE NICE TO HIS MOTHER AND BE NICE TO YOU TOO ..

#31 09 April 2012 01:44:19

happy life

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

well try to talk with him more and more

#32 09 April 2012 08:30:19

Geely

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

you know that the topic starters last post on the whole forum was more than SEVEN months ago....

#34 30 April 2012 00:19:48

happy life

Re: my marriage is breaking. my husband is too attached attached to mum!

I hope you could be able to have peaceful talks with him

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