How to be happy as an expat in China

If you want to be happy in China then you should forget about "what China should do", and accept "what China is doing". The longer I live in China, the greater my understanding of the wisdom of China and how suitable it is.

You need to severely cut down on Western food, and Western habits. Forget about eating hamburgers, and drinking a daily Starbucks coffee. Get a baozi and a Doujiang instead.

I have cut down on my beer, and now drink white or red wine almost exclusively, and I do like room temperature water. It was not something that I snapped my fingers and occurred, it is something that happened over time, and my body is so much healthier because of it. You can tell if you are a long duration expat by the amount of cold drinks that you drink on a daily basis. As an American I used to chain-drink icy cold cokes. Now, I drink a coke once every few months instead.

You need to socialize with locals, make friends. You need to eat meals with them, do fun things with them, go to KTV's with them, and stop hanging around with other foreigners.

It is nice to learn Chinese, but that is not as important as being a willing person who wants to make friends, smiles all the times and is accepting of the Chinese culture and the Chinese way of life.

Every now and then, if you need a "fix" you can go to a Pub (if you are from the UK), or an Indian Restaurant.  If you are an American, you can go to McDonald's or Burger King and get your fix. But for the most part you should be eating mostly seafood, rice and noodles. It doesn't have to be spicy Mala, but you should be integrating into society.

You should be making the efforts to be part of the community. If you don't try, you will never join it.

IMO, the most significant thing is to remember you're a guest - even if you live here (in China).
This has been a challenge for me. When I first arrived in China in 2002, I had an attitude that things should be how they are in the UK.
For example, I was once crossing the road as I was presented with a 'green man' to indicate it was 'my turn', but a cyclist was heading on an almost collision course with me - so I went to push him off. In reality, I doubt he would have hit me, but it was close (as indicated by the fact that I could actually make contact with just my arms in order to push him). When I 'checked' my attitude, I felt bad and it felt bad for quite a while.
Another example is when I was queuing to get on a bus, and some young guy jumped on in front of me. That incensed me and I challenged him, physically - he even challenged me back, but I stared right into his face and that scared him enough that he got off the bus. I was actually surprised. On reflection, I don't think he realised what my problem was - which was simply that he was jumping the queue...well, that's how it seemed. TBH, I'm not entirely sure if he actually was jumping the queue, or just getting on the bus in a disorderly manner (perhaps so the bus could close its door more quickly and get moving). Anyway, afterwards, I felt shame at my behaviour, and regretted it.
Those two occasions happened many years ago, but I still struggle with this sort of thing. It mostly concerns crossing the road, and the arrogance and aggressiveness shown by car drivers and bike/moped riders. It's like they think they're more important than I am and so I should give way to them. I imagine there is such a prevailing attitude, but it is something that has improved significantly over the years. I mean, cars sometimes actually stop to let pedestrians cross in front of them now...
but there are still so many things that just irritate. For example, how the cyclists and moped riders stop on the crossing making it a challenge to actually use it when it comes to your turn. It's infuriating.

So, yeah...I keep having to remind myself that I am a guest here, and in no way do I have any 'right' to tell them how they should behave or how their system should change. It is much easier and conducive to serenity to behave more 'defensively' - eg if others need to be so pushy and inconsiderate, let them...they'll be gone all the sooner.

That's my 'big one'.

I read a lot of people commenting from the point of view of extraverts (not so much here); but being in China is perfectly fine for introverts too. There's no need to 'integrate with the community', if that's not your thing. Having said that, there are 'communities' for introverts too, as contradictory as that sounds. In any case, being happy while alone or with fewer quieter people, is a strength too, as is indicated by the pandemic.
In fact, being an introvert in China can be almost ideal. Presuming you have a foreign face, you are mostly left to your own devices and you don't need to interact with people at all - only when you actually need to. You can make do with pretty trivial Chinese - just learn the phrases you need to know, eg what to order, or how to direct a taxi - it's easy enough. You can, of course, learn more in depth Chinese, and still 'hide' - Chinese people will presume you don't speak or understand Chinese (which is another nice thing ). Of course, when you actually *need* to use Chinese then it can be more of a problem, but usually there are English speaking people available.
Even when i order my morning breakfast, the person serving me doesn't understand, but the person behind me in the queue does and simply repeats it to the server - with the correct 'tone' or whatever

That reminds me. Perhaps it's only my wife, but I've noticed that getting the 'tone' right is surprisingly essential. What I mean by that is - if a Chinese person mispronounces English words, you can almost always figure out what they are trying to say. The same is not true for Chinese people and 'tones'. To use, using the same 'word' with the wrong tone, sounds almost the same; but to Chinese people, it seemingly sounds completely different. Yes, the *meaning* is completely different, but the sounds actually are very similar...but somehow that jump isn't made in Chinese. I've noticed a reluctance to learn words by splitting them into parts that you already know....I've often be told "it's just a word" or "just a name" and told to just memorise it, rather than split it into bits and learn the bits (and, of course, what they combine into). I find that a little irritating because I tend to learn 'by understanding' rather than simply learn a list of facts. I guess that's different for everyone, maybe even in China too, though my impression is that learning 'rote' is a much more common technique.

Yeah, that issue with speaking Chinese is a big one. I will say things in near perfect Chinese, and the gal would just look at me with a perplexed look on her face, and then one or two others would repeat what I said in "true Chinese". Part of it are the tones, but part of it is the face. If you don't look Chinese, you will often be misunderstood just by nature of your appearance. China is all about "face".

My first visit to China was way back in 1993. I went to Shenzhen and it was just four lane dirt roads then. Oh, how I wish I bought a house back then. Then, people treated me as an important novelty, and I was provided with the best hospitality. Today, it's quite different. I am just another weiguren. Though I think that I am given deference due to my age.

You are correct, you do not have or need to integrate if you do not want to. I see many expats that don't. They come, have a two or three year stay and leave. People like you and I, however, have wives and families and kids. We integrated as it is what families do.

I see the big thing here is what you want out of China. If you want to move here and build a family, then you integrate. If you just want to be a "backpack nomad" and show off your passport to impress others, then  you can go that route. Or if you have a job, and want to better assimilate in the society, to get more out of your experience you can do that too.

But what you said about jumping the line, and the apparent rudeness can be a shock. Most especially if you are a Brit. I can fully state that just about every Brit expat that I have met in China are surprised at how the Chinese treat contracts and legal documents. I'll bet that you know what I am talking about. We Americans aren't so surprised really, we're used to the "contracts as traps" concept, but the Chinese use the "contracts as guidelines, with a deference to Chinese nationals" that takes all this to a new level.

I think that growth occurs when you are exposed to new things, new ideas, and new concepts. And growth is always uncomfortable. Always. So I would advise new expats to China to expect some change, to expect some discomfort, but also to expect a comparative surprise or two of great pleasure. With China, you never know.

Interesting discussion.  I am interested in the part of your message where you discuss contracts in China.  As someone who will be moving to China soon, I would like to know whether signing a Chinese contract could mean that I may be exploited.  Right now, I am reading a contract that I will have to sign, scan and send back to China.  There is some wording in it that is a bit concerning but I hope its not a  big deal.   Should I be concerned?  I work in the field of science and technology research.

I have lived in Japan Taiwan and Korea, and  I can tell you that the cultures are similar.  To me, the Chinese and Koreans are actually friendlier than the Japanese.  However, in all these cultures, a foreigner is still a foreigner and they will always show you that.   I failed to cope, especially in  Japan, because it was my first experience in Asia.  Gradually, I understood that I could still be happy in these countries by not taking it personally and showing that I appreciate their cultures.  I had one Japanese friend, but I still think its easier to make friends with Chinese and Koreans.     

The cultures are not dissimilar, but I have to say that the Japanese are the most tepid and racist of the three.  In Japan they can stop you from entering some traditional restaurants if you don't look Japanese and they will always find excuses for doing so.  Reporting such behaviors to authorities is a waste if time.  I never experienced that in Korea or Taiwan/China, but I am not excluding that it might happen as well.  The Japanese seem to treat fellow Asians in a manner that is akin racism.

China will be fair to you if you are fair to them. But don't you dare try to parse legal trivialities with them. In China, the Chinese nationals are always right when there is a conflict with a foreigner.

> We integrated as it is what families do.

Honestly, I don't think I have "integrated", not in ant significant way anyway. It's how I prefer it, and I think my wife prefers it too.

Take the money and enjoy the weather. Simple.
You'll never integrate unless you're studying Chinese at a university course and anyway, the likelyhood is that you'll never really want to integrate if you're from the West and enjoy doing things that Westerners do. The social and cultural differences are vast... Unless you're mixing with circles of Chinese who are foreign educated or well travelled it's just going to be KTV and other mind numbing crap, couple that with political and socially limited outlooks and it's not the most simulating environment.

Interesting, Jon Bennison. I could say exactly the  same thing about my home country in response to expats looking for advice.

Not sure what you mean?

All I'm saying is that if you grow up in Western countries it's unlikely you'll be able to fully integrate into Chinese society...and actually it's probably the case that most expats won't want to.

mrangry wrote:

> We integrated as it is what families do.

Honestly, I don't think I have "integrated", not in ant significant way anyway. It's how I prefer it, and I think my wife prefers it too.

This is exactly what I mean. Why would you be able to integrate when even Chinese people are being shamed 'for not being Chinese enough'.  Couple that with the fact that the way we choose to spend our free time is very different and it's not good for integration.

I mean that all societies are difficult to fully integrate into, and making it a matter of China exceptionally, and China vs. the West, probably overstates things. In most countries there is tension over who can really claim the national/mainstream cultural identity.

In every expat situation, it seems like there is tension between wanting to be involved with the host culture and wanting to keep one's old habits/outlook.

I understand what you're saying, but I think most people in Europe could adapt pretty well to other European and American cultures. It's not a case of making China an exception. But it should be taken into account that Chinese people have very little adaptability to external influences.

After 25 years here I'm not a guest.. This is my home..