"Support" for Vietnamese girlfriend

Hi community. Now, I know this is a difficult topic because there are a great amount of variables to take into account. But I still would like to ask.
I have a longer relationship with a nice lady here in Saigon. Now, unsurprising, finances start to become an issue. I heard from someone, that expats usually support gifriends (not wife, to be clear, just gf) with a minimum of 1000USD per month. I find that quite steep but I would like to know from p with more people experience. My job, by the way, is ok. I could possibly manage something like that but my feeling is that that would rather be if we are more looking towards marriage or something. Just for a gf I find it surprising. Thxs for advising.
-@danrodri

You talking about a girlfriend or a Sugar-baby?  "Now, unsurprising, finances start to become an issue." Why now an issue - she wants money to see you?

I see no reason why you would have to pay for a girlfriend to see you, or give them any financial reward to do so.

If she comes from a very poor family give her some support of a few million vnd a month. Giving a gf 24 million a month is dumb, just plain dumb.

Who raised the subject about a monthly payment, if it was her, RUN.

Hi community. Now, I know this is a difficult topic because there are a great amount of variables to take into account. But I still would like to ask.
I have a longer relationship with a nice lady here in Saigon. Now, unsurprising, finances start to become an issue. I heard from someone, that expats usually support gifriends (not wife, to be clear, just gf) with a minimum of 1000USD per month. I find that quite steep but I would like to know from p with more people experience. My job, by the way, is ok. I could possibly manage something like that but my feeling is that that would rather be if we are more looking towards marriage or something. Just for a gf I find it surprising. Thxs for advising.
-@danrodri

Two things, location & involvement:

Where you live (cost of living) is going to have a big impact on what you might decide to share.

More important, what does "girlfriend" mean in your case?

The more independently she lives her life apart from you, the less you should feel on the hook for anything at all.

Do you just get together two or three days a week and have a really nice private time together, and then you give her some token of your admiration and appreciation, to help her out with her difficult life?

That's kind of a cross between having a girlfriend and a standing date with a hooker, and as long as she's happy with what you've been doing, that's fine.

There also shouldn't be any sense of obligation outside of that relationship unless you are choosing to take that obligation on yourself.

So if you are having a relationship with somebody like that and suddenly you have to leave the country, be kind and gracious but you don't have to continue sending money since you're no longer spending time with her.

If however you are talking about a girlfriend who lives with you or comes and takes care of you everyday and shops for your meals and cooks for you and is also your housekeeper & translator & travel/activities companion, then you have ventured into the realm of a relationship that probably requires some amount of commitment in what you are going to share in return for her commitment.

Many sincere Vietnamese women would be thrilled to have  ₫12 to ₫15 million VNĐ per month AND pay for all of the local market groceries, with you picking up rent & utilities.

My own relationship with my wife evolved from her refusing any gifts from me as we started dating.

I really did want to help her because I knew her family was not well off on a rural farm, so I then offered her a gift for her mother to help her family on the farm.

She then reluctantly and somewhat shyly accepted that after we had been seeing each other for about a month.

We still hadn't slept together at that time.

Then we spent a few months traveling around Vietnam living in hotels with me paying for everything and I continued to give her ₫5 million a month "for her family".

Even with that relatively small amount, she would often go to the market early in the morning and pick up some things for us and pay for them out of her own pocket, refusing any additional money from me when I offered it

She was always very appreciative of what I thought to be a very small amount, considering that I had previously been told by city girls that I would need to give them ₫30 million a month if they wanted me to be their full-time squeeze.

When I went back to North America for a year and she remained on the rural farm with her family in Quảng Ngãi, I continued to refresh my ACB card (I left with her) with about ₫5 million VNĐ almost every month.

She and her family were extremely happy about that.

When I returned last July (now engaged) I began giving her first ₫10 million then ₫15 million to cover a monthly gift to her family (2 17-year-old twins & parents).

I have now seen how my wife manages money, and at our ages (me 70; her 40) I'm concerned that I might drop dead someday leaving her back in her circumstances before we met.

So totally of my own volition, without any encouragement from her, I've significantly increased what I share with her every month to a level equal to what city girls were asking for a couple years ago.

My wife has always done a great job saving money even while she was supporting her family so I'm very glad to know that each month she is able to continue taking care of them while also fattening her nest egg, watching out for the future.

I seriously feel married to the family and not just to my wife.

They have simple needs, but sometimes even simple needs stretch their budget to the max.

They never asked me for anything but when I observe something I offer to help.

Often they decline my help, but occasionally they say yes.

A recent example: I made it clear that I couldn't stay out at the house for too long a time on any given day because I really can't use the Vietnamese style toilet well for #2, considering my bum knees.

After a little cajoling they agreed to allow a remodel of their toilet and shower and washing machine area, putting on a couple of new doors to replace the ones that were broken and some tile to make the area easier to keep clean than the existing concrete.

I told them they had a budget of ₫20 million to work with, but the father and some helpers got it all done for about ₫9 million.

That may seem like way too much information, but my point is that the sharing of money with a significant other here in Vietnam was a bit of an evolutionary process for me.

We can all give you sophisticated guesses but in the end it's up to you to evaluate your own circumstances and relationship and decide your own respectful course of action.

Sincere good luck with that.

@colinoscapee 240.000 VND is good enough, typically woman are never grateful for anything, anyway. I went to dentist in Vung Tau, and I saw white deer paying for probably implants or another intervention to his partner's mother. Both of them walked out while *he* was paying the bill - without waiting on him (their body language just showed how much in reality they care about him, beside being ATM) , and he ran like puppy after them. Hope it's not one of ya guys, it was sad scene playing before my eyes. Getting nice looking vagine is not end of the world though.

...typically woman are never grateful for anything, anyway...
-@narcrepellant2525

...and typically foreigner men in Vietnam (and everywhere?) are totally untrustworthy.

How does that generality sound?

Fair enough :-)   But you see that OP is toying with idea to be money wise  trustworthy ;-)

I have now seen how my wife manages money, and at our ages (me 70; her 40) I'm concerned that I might drop dead someday leaving her back in her circumstances before we met.
-@OceanBeach92107

My primary motivation for returning to the US was so that my wife could become a US citizen and be eligible for the widow's share of my Social Security.   Now after I am gone she could fairly comfortably retire in Vietnam.  My question for you (sorry but it's mostly idle curiosity) is does a US military pension accrue to a spouse who is not a US citizen or legal (green card) resident?

I have now seen how my wife manages money, and at our ages (me 70; her 40) I'm concerned that I might drop dead someday leaving her back in her circumstances before we met.
-@OceanBeach92107
My primary motivation for returning to the US was so that my wife could become a US citizen and be eligible for the widow's share of my Social Security.  Now after I am gone she could fairly comfortably retire in Vietnam. My question for you (sorry but it's mostly idle curiosity) is does a US military pension accrue to a spouse who is not a US citizen or legal (green card) resident?
-@THIGV

Good question.

I've received two answers:

"Yes" and "No"

Still working on finding the definitive source.

I have now seen how my wife manages money, and at our ages (me 70; her 40) I'm concerned that I might drop dead someday leaving her back in her circumstances before we met.

-@OceanBeach92107

Wrong focus. You should focus on your health, regularly get checked by good docs since you have money, if you did not screwed your health by drinking booze and etc, you still have some nice  years to run smoothly.

I know guys who drank a 5th of scotch a day and made it to 100 without help. But everything in moderation is still best , no sudden changes, and no government forced medications.

I have now seen how my wife manages money, and at our ages (me 70; her 40) I'm concerned that I might drop dead someday leaving her back in her circumstances before we met.

-@OceanBeach92107

Wrong focus. You should focus on your health, regularly get checked by good docs since you have money, if you did not screwed your health by drinking booze and etc, you still have some nice years to run smoothly.
-@narcrepellant2525

How dare you "should" on me!

If I really wanted to subject myself to such treatment from virtual strangers I would move back to Europe...

Ha ha,I knew that you will disagree,just knew it in advance! Sorry not native English speaker, I am not giving you orders,thank you to make me aware of these things.,

Ha ha,I knew that you will disagree,just knew it in advance! Sorry not native English speaker, I am not giving you orders,thank you to make me aware of these things.,
-@narcrepellant2525

I'm glad you understood my humorous jab. Don't worry. You use English in much the same manner as my friends in Deutschland (and my good buddy in Hawaii) so I'm used to it 😉

24,000,000 is pretty steep when a full degreed engineer salary is 75% of that.

We support my wife's parents at 10,000,000 per month and a few million for some of the less fortunate siblings and that is enough for them.  She's living well if you go to more than double that for a single earning-age woman/girl.

If you want to do something to help, OK but don't give her enough to do nothing.

we support with @ 350USD monthly for a four member household.

Hi community. Now, I know this is a difficult topic because there are a great amount of variables to take into account. But I still would like to ask.
I have a longer relationship with a nice lady here in Saigon. Now, unsurprising, finances start to become an issue. I heard from someone, that expats usually support gifriends (not wife, to be clear, just gf) with a minimum of 1000USD per month. I find that quite steep but I would like to know from p with more people experience. My job, by the way, is ok. I could possibly manage something like that but my feeling is that that would rather be if we are more looking towards marriage or something. Just for a gf I find it surprising. Thxs for advising.
-@danrodri

Two things, location & involvement:

Where you live (cost of living) is going to have a big impact on what you might decide to share.

More important, what does "girlfriend" mean in your case?

The more independently she lives her life apart from you, the less you should feel on the hook for anything at all.

Do you just get together two or three days a week and have a really nice private time together, and then you give her some token of your admiration and appreciation, to help her out with her difficult life?

That's kind of a cross between having a girlfriend and a standing date with a hooker, and as long as she's happy with what you've been doing, that's fine.

There also shouldn't be any sense of obligation outside of that relationship unless you are choosing to take that obligation on yourself.

So if you are having a relationship with somebody like that and suddenly you have to leave the country, be kind and gracious but you don't have to continue sending money since you're no longer spending time with her.

If however you are talking about a girlfriend who lives with you or comes and takes care of you everyday and shops for your meals and cooks for you and is also your housekeeper & translator & travel/activities companion, then you have ventured into the realm of a relationship that probably requires some amount of commitment in what you are going to share in return for her commitment.

Many sincere Vietnamese women would be thrilled to have ₫12 to ₫15 million VNĐ per month AND pay for all of the local market groceries, with you picking up rent & utilities.

My own relationship with my wife evolved from her refusing any gifts from me as we started dating.

I really did want to help her because I knew her family was not well off on a rural farm, so I then offered her a gift for her mother to help her family on the farm.

She then reluctantly and somewhat shyly accepted that after we had been seeing each other for about a month.

We still hadn't slept together at that time.

Then we spent a few months traveling around Vietnam living in hotels with me paying for everything and I continued to give her ₫5 million a month "for her family".

Even with that relatively small amount, she would often go to the market early in the morning and pick up some things for us and pay for them out of her own pocket, refusing any additional money from me when I offered it

She was always very appreciative of what I thought to be a very small amount, considering that I had previously been told by city girls that I would need to give them ₫30 million a month if they wanted me to be their full-time squeeze.

When I went back to North America for a year and she remained on the rural farm with her family in Quảng Ngãi, I continued to refresh my ACB card (I left with her) with about ₫5 million VNĐ almost every month.

She and her family were extremely happy about that.

When I returned last July (now engaged) I began giving her first ₫10 million then ₫15 million to cover a monthly gift to her family (2 17-year-old twins & parents).

I have now seen how my wife manages money, and at our ages (me 70; her 40) I'm concerned that I might drop dead someday leaving her back in her circumstances before we met.

So totally of my own volition, without any encouragement from her, I've significantly increased what I share with her every month to a level equal to what city girls were asking for a couple years ago.

My wife has always done a great job saving money even while she was supporting her family so I'm very glad to know that each month she is able to continue taking care of them while also fattening her nest egg, watching out for the future.

I seriously feel married to the family and not just to my wife.

They have simple needs, but sometimes even simple needs stretch their budget to the max.

They never asked me for anything but when I observe something I offer to help.

Often they decline my help, but occasionally they say yes.

A recent example: I made it clear that I couldn't stay out at the house for too long a time on any given day because I really can't use the Vietnamese style toilet well for #2, considering my bum knees.

After a little cajoling they agreed to allow a remodel of their toilet and shower and washing machine area, putting on a couple of new doors to replace the ones that were broken and some tile to make the area easier to keep clean than the existing concrete.

I told them they had a budget of ₫20 million to work with, but the father and some helpers got it all done for about ₫9 million.

That may seem like way too much information, but my point is that the sharing of money with a significant other here in Vietnam was a bit of an evolutionary process for me.

We can all give you sophisticated guesses but in the end it's up to you to evaluate your own circumstances and relationship and decide your own respectful course of action.

Sincere good luck with that.
-@OceanBeach92107

Listen closely to OB.

My wife and I live in VN also, In My Tho specifically. We send her father = 150.00usd / month. (Who lives N of Nha Trang) My wife's sister sends about the same. That is = to salary that is normal for a working person. His house is paid for, his refrigerator is always full, he has 3 motorbikes, enough tools to run a large business. He retired when my brother-in-law married my wife's sister at 52, claimed his diabetes was so bad, blah, blah. But he rides all over the mountains, now not complaining about the diabetes.

But, asking for more money to support his mother. He was an abusive husband, also abusive towards his children, EXPECTS loyalty to filial piety as is custom, but embellishes it enough to make one sick. '..........................SO 1000 USD per month to the girlfriend is quite excessive.

We live in VN spending much less than that including giving money to BA. every month.

Best of luck to you, be careful.

MAc

How long have you been with this girl? Is it the same one you were with back in mid-'21 where it was complicated and you couldn't tell her parents that you were toghether so you were "just a friend"? I remembered you posting something along those lines and went back to check.  And if it is the same girl, why is this huge sum such an issue only recently?

OK, I'll just put the cold, hard truth out there. I also think that some (most?) of "those people in HCMC that are supporting in excess of 1,000 per month" are supporting bar girls or karaoke girls. They like the girl but don't like them doing that job any more. So the girl can live like they are accustomed to living it will take in excess of 1,000 per month. A bar or karaoke girl will make between 30-45 million if they never leave the establishment, which a portion of them don't. It could push up much higer than that if the offer other services, which most of them do.

So to get a bar or karaoke girl to stop her job it is going to take quite a bit of money per month and the guy really doesn't have any leverage. He either pays it or she continues doing that job because it is so lucrative. Conversely, people supporting an office worker or someone that works full time but just doesn't make enough money, to them a couple hundred is enough to go from barely getting by to being much more comfortable.

Let's face it, the girl was getting by without the white knight before he came along. Asking for a couple of month's worth of normal employees monthly salary on top of what she is already making doesn't pass the smell test.

Based on your phrasing in the original post I suspect you may be dealing with someone along the lines of my inital impression in this specific post, and that's fine. I have nothing against that. To be honest, a bar or karaoke is likely where a lot of people that come to Vietnam on holiday meet people and they are more likely to speak English. Much less likely that an occasional Vietnam visitor hooks up with an accountant or factory worker because they just don't come in contact with them and they most likely don't speak English. Of all of the factories that I deal with here I come into contact with hundreds of employees. I have met maybe 6-8 that speak even passable English.

Thank you so much for the many answers. Helps to have a fairer view. Especially thxs to OceanBeach (no, your answer was not too long, much appreciated for it) and SteinNebraska. Wow! You really remembered though I haven't been active in so long.

Some quick answers: it's not a sugar baby, and yes, Stein, it's the same one. We are celebrating 2y together this April. The very justified question: why did it take so long to become an issue? No, it was an issue long ago. Just recently her and me were talking and she mentioned that it's normal for a lady in VN to receive 1000$ monthly if the bf is foreigner. I was suprised and doubted it. So we decided together to post it here, to see what comes back.

To be honest, I see it very similar to SteinN. Barladies will want around 1000$ for quitting the job and being somewhat permanent gf. My gf has a couple of her friends working like that, so, maybe thats where the info comes from. I agree that 9 to 5 job ladies will be less demanding,even if it's a serious, long term relationship. Now, having said this, as you guys were open to share it, it's only fair for me to disclose it too: I give her 15 MiO a month plus pay the rent (20mio for a 2bedroom) because we live with her small boy son. If not, I would be renting a studio/1br at around 10-12 MiO. So, from my salary it kind of adds up to about 22-25 MiO. Now, we are both not stingy, I buy the groceries now and then, she buys the groceries now and then, she pays for lunch sometimes, I pay for lunch sometimes. Also, she pays the parking fees of apartment, electricity and wifi and what not. If you know about my previous posts (SteinN knows 😉) she is not the greedy type. But she is single daughter, hence the burden of parents falls entirely on her. Plus she has a smaller other son at hometown. Lots of bills every month and I understand that. I'm ok with it. So, its not a pressure point. But I feel a bit better knowing that I'm possibly above average. Rather than at or below.

Great answers. Thxs a lot. Stay safe all.

Thank you so much for the many answers. Helps to have a fairer view. Especially thxs to OceanBeach (no, your answer was not too long, much appreciated for it) and SteinNebraska. Wow! You really remembered though I haven't been active in so long. -@danrodri

For anyone wanting to catch up on that backstory, here's the thread:

expat.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=939061

...Now, having said this, as you guys were open to share it, it's only fair for me to disclose it too: I give her 15 MiO a month plus pay the rent (20mio for a 2bedroom) because we live with her small boy son. If not, I would be renting a studio/1br at around 10-12 MiO. So, from my salary it kind of adds up to about 22-25 MiO. Now, we are both not stingy, I buy the groceries now and then, she buys the groceries now and then, she pays for lunch sometimes, I pay for lunch sometimes. Also, she pays the parking fees of apartment, electricity and wifi and what not. If you know about my previous posts (SteinN knows 😉) she is not the greedy type. But she is single daughter, hence the burden of parents falls entirely on her. Plus she has a smaller other son at hometown...-@danrodri

After going back and reading the other thred you posted, I realized you've never said anything about the children before (unless I overlooked it).

Questions about how to show respect to a Vietnamese woman and what to give her for support change drastically when children are involved.

It's especially interesting that you live with one of the children and the other one lives in her hometown.

I started a thread back in 2018 when it was looking as if I was going to be a stepfather to some Vietnamese children.

I don't know that what I had written is all that interesting or edifying, but a number of people responded to that thread and you might be interested in what some of them had to say:

expat.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=819969

@OceanBeach92107

That's a sweet story...well done.

A military serviceman in the US has an  option to sign up for a portion of his pay (usually 50%) to go to his wife after his death.  If he does not sign up, she gets nothing.  There is a cost to the serviceman.

Hi community. Sorry to pick up this old topic once again. I remember some years ago dating ladies who did not ask for any money. I think that one can find vietnamese ladies here in Vietnam who are working and have their income and don't ever ask for a monthly support. Of course, as gentlemen we will take them out, pay for the restaurant, buy nice gifts or flowers. Not talking about that. I mean monthly cash support. Do some of you have experienced having a viet gf for a longer time and never had to give monthly support? Opinions different on this, I'm more interested in "hard facts"...empirical evidence, if you will. Are there cases? I think yes but I must admit I never had a gf long where that was the case. Thxs for your comments

    Hi community. Sorry to pick up this old topic once again. I remember some years ago dating ladies who did not ask for any money. I think that one can find vietnamese ladies here in Vietnam who are working and have their income and don't ever ask for a monthly support. Of course, as gentlemen we will take them out, pay for the restaurant, buy nice gifts or flowers. Not talking about that. I mean monthly cash support. Do some of you have experienced having a viet gf for a longer time and never had to give monthly support? Opinions different on this, I'm more interested in "hard facts"...empirical evidence, if you will. Are there cases? I think yes but I must admit I never had a gf long where that was the case. Thxs for your comments
   

    -@danrodri

I married a Vietnamese woman like that

She never, ever asks me for money.

However, if I tell her I plan to give her some and I forget or I'm late fulfilling my promise, she'll say, "You said..."

When our relationship began, I attempted to give her money and she became very indignant, telling me that she had her own money from her work and didn't need my money.

I eventually worked around that by offering her a gift for her mother back home on the farm.

We were still only having coffee and lunch dates together without intimacy, but I was impressed by her attitude and it played a large part in me deciding to try to build a relationship with her.

For the next 18 months, I never gave her money but I gave gifts for her mother or a gift for the family, especially during COVID.

But often when she would go shopping for us at the local fresh market, I would attempt to give her money and she'd say "I don't need it".

The only reason she now has a monthly amount promised to her for the household budget and her nest egg and support of her family is because I sat down and figured out a reasonable amount and told her I was going to give her that.

I haven't broken my promise to her yet and I don't plan to.

@danrodri

I posted the following on a different thread.

"I cover all of the household bills/the entertainment/the trips/the pets/clothing/shoes/whatever, and give her 5million/month to do with as she chooses. I often admonish her for spending money on things which are not intended solely for her. I've told her that whether she spends the money or not, that it is her money to buy things for herself or to tuck away for a rainy day (or perhaps for after my demise).

We've been together coming up on 5 years now, and I have absolutely no idea (nor interest) in how much she's managed to squirrel away.

Works fine for me."

She has never asked me for money. When I started giving her this more than 4 years ago, she at first would not accept it, stating that I was already doing enough. Only upon my insistence did she accept. There's been a few times over the years where I've forgotten to give her her stipend at the usual time, and she'd never even said "boo" to remind me.

Before I moved to Vietnam fulltime I was going there two weeks every two months.  I did give her money so that she could quit her job so we could be together when I was there and also video call in my evenings when I was back in the states.  I moved there not too many months after that.  She never worked again in Vietnam.  It was kind of pointless given the salaries there to be working six days a week. 

She did get a part time job when we moved to the US but that was more out of boredom after not working for three years than for the money.  She has since quit again to be a stay-at home mom.  Our son just turned one month old.

@SteinNebraska

I see. Thanks for your openness. And how much money was necessary so she could quit her job when you did not yet live in VN? If you don't mind me asking?

    @SteinNebraskaI see. Thanks for your openness. And how much money was necessary so she could quit her job when you did not yet live in VN? If you don't mind me asking?        -@danrodri

Every situation is different and it depends on your resources.  A normal salary will be around 10,000,000 for an office worker so that wouldn't be unreasonable but it depends on how much she makes and if you are trying to replace her salary or just supplement her income. That could be only be a few million or more.  Now that we moved back to the US we send 14 million to her parents and family monthly.  It's probably more than we need to for them to just "get by" but it's no problem for us to help so they can be more comfortable in their old age.  Knowing that they don't have to scratch out an existence on thier farm has lowered their stress levels a lot.  I also gave her youngest brother the profits from our cashew farm.  He takes care of the farm and takes the profit.  He also planted and is caring for 700 new trees for me.  I don't even know how much it makes exactly but it's enough for him to make a living.  Her parents are in their 70's and I know that we help some of my wife's siblings as well through money to the parents.

    Hi community. Now, I know this is a difficult topic because there are a great amount of variables to take into account. But I still would like to ask. I have a longer relationship with a nice lady here in Saigon. Now, unsurprising, finances start to become an issue. I heard from someone, that expats usually support gifriends (not wife, to be clear, just gf) with a minimum of 1000USD per month. I find that quite steep but I would like to know from p with more people experience. My job, by the way, is ok. I could possibly manage something like that but my feeling is that that would rather be if we are more looking towards marriage or something. Just for a gf I find it surprising. Thxs for advising.        -@danrodri

Dont even think about giving her 1,000usd (24,000,000+vnd) per month, if you do you are being taken for a sucker. 5,000,000 vnd max if anything.........you can pay the rent & utilities but should demand she goes halves on the food & dont get into the "giving to the family" bit cos next thing you will be paying for the sick buffalo, new moto for the "cousin" etc. There are lots of nice Vietnamese ladies out there like mine with their own income & would never think about asking or taking money from you!......be strong.

I do not dare to write what I give my wife per month, but for sure whatever I give I get back million times

    I do not dare to write what I give my wife per month, but for sure whatever I give I get back million times-@Frede001

At my age, if I net that much of a return it might very well be the end of me.