Hi/Salam,
I know this thread has come up plenty and I have read many of them. Im looking for insight. I think its always a good idea to get others perspectives even though you all may be a stranger, Im confident that many of you have possibly gone through this situation.
I meet a man on a Muslim dating site about a month ago. He was immediately upfront as to the fact that he is currently married, the reasons whe he wants a second wife, his financial and work situation ( he has been working in Dubai for almost 15 yrs). He has shown me various documents, such as all his id's and his work schedule. I truley feel that he has laid it all out on the table and truley a good Muslim man. He did say that he was upfront with his current wife as she has known that he has been looking for the last 3 yrs. He is 44 and Im 47. This isnt my first rodeo in the muslim matrimonial arena.
This may actually be more about a personal decision on how much I want to go through to marry this man. I feel very confident as to his honesty. He mentioned that he wanted to visit in the winter and I asked him who will pay for the ticket and he said for me not to worry that he will take care of it.
The issue is what will my life look like. It has become clearer the more we talk that ideally he would like to eventually move to the US after his financial obligations in Dubai are complete anywhere from 1-3 yrs. He would like for us to have a business in the US that makes enough money for us all. I get no red flags when it comes to having a lawyer involved in the business to make sure we are both recipients of said business.
My concerns are if he is already married in Egyot I would have to lie to my home country , and as a Muslim Im not willing to do that, Not even just as a human being, Its headache I dont want. He is also stating that his wife and 4 children will stay in Egypt come this summer and that his family will be supportive of her as well as his finances but that he will see them once every 8 months and that I can certainly travel with him to Egypt to visit. Moral dilemma for me and I have asked him, " how can you expect wife no 1 to be basically a single parent??? His response was he wont be alone. I think of what it will do to his children, and although he seems really wonderful , the lack of priority parental involvment concerns me.
Im feeling like at my age, I just dont have the get up and go to start a business, one of which isnt necessarily a passion, who has the money to start said business, how long before we can actually live together and with him being married the reality is he cant obtain residences here.
I think I know my answers, its just to much hassle and headache to deal with and the reality is his current marriage basically puts it all to a halt. Thank you in advance for reading and giving insight.
A question that has been asked a million times
this is very normal in Egypt for a man to take a second wife and live between two households
I also have friends that go to America get married and only sees his Egyptian family one month every year
for some reason the Egyptian wife is programmed to do what the man wants
for this to work you need to make sure this is okay with the wife
in Islam the second marriage should not harm in any way the first marriage and usually
is determined by the Iman speaking to both parties
if he wants to start a business in america and has the money to support you what is the problem
but in the long run you and only you can make all these dissension
because he did not off to bring you to Egypt to live so he could be near his children
yes I would question his motives unless he did and you refused
I have friends her second wife he moved to other countries to have husband near his family
also he will have to divorce his Egyptian wife for your marriage in America to be legal with immigration
needs wife's permission
I have several friends who had to return to their home countries get a divorce and remarry in america and start the process all over again
many things to think about only you can make the decision
choose wisely their are 7 lives involved
I have a friend also from Sweden. She is a second wife. She tell stories of her husbands first wife and kids. The kids sends awful letters with horrible drawings to her. They see her as a homewrecker and they hate her. Her husbands first wife badmouth her all the time. Is that the kind of life you want to live? Don't you think you deserve to be the only wife? When a man looks at other women inspite of being married then I supposed he only loves himself. I believe that if a man really LOVE the woman then that woman is all that he NEED. Don't lower your self value and dignity for a man who does not deserve you.
This is one of the most common issues here in Egypt
1-when the Islam allowed the second marriage he made a condition which is (equity between the two wives) that means he should give you both equal time , equal love and care and equal emotional and financial support.
2-due to the life pressures the Egyptian women had to go out to work to financially support their husbands who spend most of their times out working at the same times they take care of their houses and raise up their children while their husbands are not helping.
3-Most of men who go through the 2nd marriage usually don't care about the 1st wife's feelings and that is always depressing and hurting the first wives , I believe men should be more smart and careful.
and I truly wish you the best luck
Thank you for your insights! After contnuing to talk with hm, it came up in conversaton after i had pressed the issue of me talking to her that the reality is, is that she let him know early on that if he married a second wife that she would want a divorce. So he was spinnng it to her that it was for US business opportunities.
I was somewhat shocked because previously he said she knew was exactly happy but accepted it. I let it go, just to old and wise to be taking this any further and honestly i told him at the end of the day there was deception on his part to his wife.
Thanks again everyone !!
Hey,
I just want you to know that you made the right decision. If it is too good to be true then it is not. This is not the right man for you. You will meet him at the right time. Work on with your self and you will see that the right man will come to you. A man with no mental bagage. You dont need that!! Best of luck and be strong if he tried to come back. Be firm and determined that you deserve someone better.
Best regards
Islam was not followed in this marriage
when a Muslim man takes a second wife
he must tell first wife not get permission but tell
and they must see an Iman
the marriage can not take place unless the second
marriage causes no harm to the first wife and children
if it does it by Islamic law can not take place
so the second wife is not a legal wife in Islam
she I am so sorry should leave and find a good husband
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