Parenting in the Philippines

I believe parenting is not really something we share, Man anyway not sure about Woman is they share it or not, we all have own ways how to be best parents to our kids, what works for me not necessarily works for others, family life and career? for sure this is not for us, as what i know we do not have any careers in Philippines, we or most of us can not get jobs here, apart from that, who will want to work here? yes we come over with family to make some type of life, for some it works well, for some never will, so they will pack up and go back, where they come from, extended family are fine in own country, but then again foreigners are relatively independent people, they can do without any family, I think this is all i have to say without getting in to other stuff where some will not be happy, I lived here since 2014, for me way too long, I was going to go back when is time for my kid to start school, but we will cut it bit short and go back this year..

One of the main reasons we live in the Philippines, is the safety of our children.

Sure, there may be kidnappers, terrorists, rape gangs, human trafficking, organ harvesting, typhoons, floods, mudslides, earthquakes, volcanoes, deadly diseases, traffic, expensive food, terrible medical and dental care....

But there is no CPS!

In America, we got in trouble for our kids being too small. They are half Asian!

Also, you can only have 2 children per room, you have to have so many square feet of space, a massive bed, furniture, mandatory public education, mandatory doctor's visits, mandatory dental visits, electricity, gas, fridge, stove, washer machines, and so on.

In the Philippines, we all live, eat, and sleep in one room. On the floor. We shower in the toilet. And wash our clothes in a bucket. There are no rules. No laws. We live simple and raise our kids as we like. With FREEDOM! No freedom in America: The Land of the Free. lol

ballut are you kidding me what you just said about USA ??? no freedom there ?? you must come from other planet, or you run from there for own reasons,mandatory that is exactly what it means to protect your kids from get sick, and here you get none of that, kids are free to get sick any time and no one cares, vaccinations that never work but they give here for free, what a BS,,, I don't get what you trying to say about your own country, but for sure they don,t need you and you do not deserve to be called American

Mr Balut,
Are you serious or just fishing for a bite?
I live here in the Philippines because I choose to and can enjoy the freedoms of this land.
It was me and my wife who decided that a mixture of the two cultures is what is best for our children.
Visits to the doctor or dentist are taken on an as needed basis.
We have gas, electric, fridge, stove washing machine. We shit in the CR, wash in the shower and sleep in a bed. Us in one room and the kids in their own room.
We do it like this because we refuse to live like peasants however romantic it may seem.
How you live is your own choice. Is it so much better than a few rules put there for the protection of you and your family?

The topic is parenting in the Philippines.
My post details how I provide for my children. Is that not parenting?
What we have was purchased during the last 10 years of my working career and I'm proud of the results.
My wife and children are provided for now and in the future.
I'm the first to admit I'm not immortal so we did plan for the children's future all those years ago when we had the money.
Those days are gone now and I'm just a pensioner who is a very very long way from being a millionaire.
I'm sorry if my hard work and planning has upset you but that's how we do our version of parenting. Our children and their futures come first and foremost.
I think we will have pizza for dinner tonight then listen to that old favorite Jail House Rock. Thanks for the suggestion. Sleep well.

The biggest challenge is having two distinct styles in terms of how children should be raised and what to expect from them. There is no point in me bashing the Philippines. It is different here. I prefer and require the stepchildren to be home when not in school, no running errands that parents should do themselves, and all have to contribute regardless of gender. The boys by the way are just lazy compared to our daughter. I wont go onto that tangent as to why I think they are, but they are what they are.

My biggest frustration is that my partner is not always a team player and seems to want the kids to be on autopilot as opposed to requiring them to have responsibility. It is probably a cultural thing but there are core values that I feel are important regardless of country or ethnicity.

The best advice is to sometimes back off and just let fate give people what they ask for in life.

It's so very hard to back off and watch someone making the same mistakes I made and not give guidance.
I sometimes wish someone with experience had taken me aside and shown me the error of my ways while there was still time.
With some guidance I may have become a pizza king millionaire.

Seems the moderators' original post is meant for parents who have moved to the Philippines with their children. Doubt there are many of those. I'm a retired pensioner with a Pinay who has 2 kids and I would have to agree with gordy5938, "hands off". I was a step-parent some years ago in the U.S. and learned the hard way that usually it's better to be seen and not heard. Just my 2 cents.

Hello everyone,

Please note that some off-topic posts have been removed from this thread.

All the best,
Bhavna

Same situation here. I have no children but she has one.
Schooling children here is like sending them to the entertainment center.
These days, watching movies, flirting, doing useless activities during class time is the new norm but they still have to wear a uniform, it looks good, plus it gives them the impression that they are actually learning something.

Just for the fun, ask them this: 
26+36.... is it 66 or 76?

And then, to add some fun, ask this:
If 26+36 is 66 today and 26+36 is 76 tomorrow, then how much will it be after tomorrow?

If they answer correctly, then there is hope. Otherwise.... forget it!

I am just wondering how many kids do you have? I think there are benefits of both the USA and the Philippines. First, Child Protection Services in the USA, has let fat too many kids slip through the cracks. Meaning, kids have been hurt and/ or killed by crazy parents.
I personally would think that you would want the best for your kids? If you all sleep in the same room, are your kids in the room when you and your wife are doing things?  Why would you want your kids to take a bath in a toilet?
I had a pretty rough childhood and I did everything in my power to ensure that my daughter never had to do what I had to as a teenager. I did not have a toilet, I lived in extremely bad conditions and it is sickening to hear anyone want to live like that, especially, their children.
I just don't understand your thinking? I love the Philippines for many reasons but certainly not so I can make them sleep in the same room as me and my wife. I certainly don't love the Philippines because I can get away with letting my kids take a bath in the toilet.

I took the proactive step today of enrolling all of the stepchilden in a very expensive but very strict school. No more fun and games wandering around the schoolyard playing instead of actually learning. They will be in class from 730 to 530 every day and cant leave on their own anymore like before. I agree that CPS in the US is a joke. Culture wars will always exist but there is also hope for a better future for the next generation. Moving to a new house in a better neighborhood also cut out a lot of the drama. I set up my household around the Waltons or Cleaver dream model and we are adapting to each other.The addition of a housemaid was also a huge plus!

Parenting is not what you think it is, the gripe (colic)  and the skinned knees soon make way for the "Dad can I have the car or Dad can you lend me 50 bucks" leading into "dad I want to do this course in uni, it's only 10K" "but what about the course you chose and are enrolled in?"
"Thats boring Dad and I want to do this". And it goes on until you say "NO".
then you are the A hole.
Things were different in my day, some of us actually worked perhaps like most of the readers here. This also relates to many topics within this forum, so many people no matter the nationality cannot say NO!
For the OP, very left field and an extremely open ended topic that limits replies as so few people fit into your "genre"(as posted)
Parents are parents and decide the correct course to raise their children given the environment and fiscal capabilities.
Your post is neither here nor there but simply generating feedback from a sorely limited market, refine your question.
I have to ask the OP. Do you have children? If you do, have you moved them to a different country? did you agonise over the move or was it about you?

Children no matter the country or environment survive, they are the next leaders of their origin and whether dumb and gutless like most of the leaders in all countries started out as kids. (Raised by supposed adults)

Shoot me down.

Cheers, Steve.

G
Hi Gordy, good luck with 'very strict' school. That's what I thought as well until I actually went to the school to spy on them. It's a highly respected private school in a religious environment, but you know what; cell phones are everywhere, the flirting is the new game, everybody talking at the same time in the class is accepted with teacher's voice hardly above the chatter, the sitting position (knee chewing) with legs up is also accepted. The entire class of maybe 30 students didn't look at all like a class, it looked like it was party time. I was floored!
Waste of money but I decided to keep him in school rather than be unemployed. I call it postponing the agony.

I'm retired and my asawa has two kids that while polite, could not even read at age 7 & 8, being in local public schools. Rather than watch them turn out to be tricycle drivers, we moved to a safe and clean environment where I have taught them table manners, seen to their health, put them in good schools and sports. Try to teach them kindness and inclusion of others. They do not have smartphones to distract them, nor do the schools allow. I also sent her back to finish her college degree. While I really dislike living in a large city, it is rewarding to see them doing well.

It failed before class even began. The two boys went on a tirade and my fiancee moved out over it. Now she is back and they live with the grandmother again, and surprise, surprise, surprise, when we visited today, the eldest was unsupervised and nowhere to be found. So, I decided to take advantage of the free pass life gave me and not be involved in the boys lives anymore. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink

Priscilla wrote:

How are you experiencing your parental role in your new home? Has your move abroad changed anything in your parental perspective or approach?

My husband and I have always considered children as luxuries. That is, if we can't afford or devote some quality time for them, then we shouldn't make babies.

When we first moved here, we had just 1 child. If we stayed in the US, we most likely would have just 1 child because of the high cost of living there. One year after moving here, we decided to have a second child, because of the lower cost of living, improvement in our financial situation and help from my parents in supervising our children when we're away or at work. Now we have 2 children. But that's it.

I always make it a point that my kids see me as an authority figure, ever since they were little. I think this is very important, especially in making my kids learn to respect their elders and persons outside of home, especially their teachers. I tell them that there's a reason for rules. They can't do whatever they please. Rules should be followed, or there will be consequences.

Some parents are reluctant in standing up to their kids, afraid of alienating them, preferring to be "friends" with their kids. And this can be detrimental to their learning to respect others. But I'm not scared because I want my kids to do well in life. My kids know I love them, and I know they love their mom more than anything.

Lucky you Gordy ...!!!
That's was a close call. You were almost caught raising the JOLLIBEE generation of spoiled SERVE ME bratts and later watch them turn into future divorcees.
Get yourself a lady without children. There are many very decent ladies available; and if necessary (not always), move away from family members.
My filipina wife has a grown up kid (20) and the family members are decent people but we still end up with minor differences. Overall, it's a much better quality relationship here than back up-north.

Lucky you Gordy ...!!!
That's was a close call. You were almost caught raising the JOLLIBEE generation of spoiled SERVE ME bratts and later watch them turn into future divorcees.
Get yourself a lady without children. There are many very decent ladies available; and if necessary (not always), move away from family members.
My filipina wife has a grown up kid (20) and the family members are decent people but we still end up with minor differences. Overall, it's a much better quality relationship here than back up-north.

Im branded now as being an asshole who sets standards so high that nobody can reach because I keep the basic principle of teaching others to fish instead of just buying them a fish. End result is that I have the person I love without the associated bullcrap from the kids. I guess they thought they would shame me for wanting the big house in the gated community and 2 maids while everyone else starves but I finally broke it down to everyone that in the real world, we each are responsible for the situations we are in.

gordy5938 wrote:

It failed before class even began. The two boys went on a tirade and my fiancee moved out over it. Now she is back and they live with the grandmother again, and surprise, surprise, surprise, when we visited today, the eldest was unsupervised and nowhere to be found. So, I decided to take advantage of the free pass life gave me and not be involved in the boys lives anymore. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink

That is the situation I try to avoid, which is why I made sure that my kids follow rules, that they listen to and respect their parents at a very early age. Otherwise, they could grow up to be disobedient and disrespectful, until they reach the point of no return.

Kids do not just grow up to be spoiled brats overnight. Who took care of your fiancee's sons when they were little? Growing up, did they often have things their way even if they were wrong? Was your fiancee an absentee parent (moved to the big city or abroad for work) where the children were left with no strong authority figure?

Coming home to out-of-control kids is one of the problems facing Filipinos working abroad, or OFW's, especially those who are away for more than a year. I know of one OFW who had her sister take care of her kids while she and her husband were in Saudi. She did great. All the kids were well-behaved, did well in school. The husband came home, but kicked out his sister-in-law, the kids' authority figure, accusing her of brainwashing the kids to not follow the parents.

The husband had really bad vices. Both parents, to regain their kids' love, lavished them with material things and let them have their way. In the end, the eldest son dropped out of college, got a girl pregnant, and is now a part time driver. The eldest daughter got pregnant at a young age. She is a gambler, thief and scammer. The younger daughter died a gruesome death, leaving little 2 kids orphaned, who are now being taken care of by their grand aunt at her own expense. The youngest son is a dishwasher at an eatery, but used to be a drug pusher. Scary and sad, but a true story.

I think having a real strong authority figure who can take care of the kids who can discipline the kids would help a lot in preventing problems like this.

She was an ofw in kuwait. she left her kids with her mom. The problem is that the mom just left the kids on autopilot. They wander around in the streets with no focus or purpose in life and nobody knows where they go or what they are up to. I couldnt live like that so I made it clear that when we arent in school, we are home inside our little gated castle. They couldnt adapt so she shipped them back to la la land. My biggest struggle now is dealing with the mentality that its somehow wrong to want to have the best in life and focus on your own little family.

gordy5938 wrote:

She was an ofw in kuwait. she left her kids with her mom. The problem is that the mom just left the kids on autopilot. They wander around in the streets with no focus or purpose in life and nobody knows where they go or what they are up to. I couldnt live like that so I made it clear that when we arent in school, we are home inside our little gated castle. They couldnt adapt so she shipped them back to la la land. My biggest struggle now is dealing with the mentality that its somehow wrong to want to have the best in life and focus on your own little family.

That's unfortunate. Your stepsons are probably now at the point of no return.

At least you have your daughter. She seems like she will have a bright future, compared to her brothers, with both you and your fiancee raising her. You should remind her that in the future, when she's finished with college, gets a good job and earns good money, she should not feel obligated give any of her brothers financial support, even if her mom pressures her to do so.

thanks for the support! It is sooo frustrating here to get people to accept the fact that they had a chance to go to school however sorry it may be make something of themselves. She is actually my niece here but we raise her as our daughter and she really is the only child out of the three who seems to appreciate anything. It is a shame to see so many here, including her friends without any idea of what it takes to succeed in a global economy.

This forum is really enlightening. Managing/navigating potential culture currents so kids do not get lost, achieving a good life full of opportunities and choices they are prepared to make, is a goal not necessarily valued by certain segments of the Philippine populace. I am with you FilAmericanMom, a strict hand and clear lines of authority are essential.

What, I am curious about are child development centers focused on, and knowledgeable about, learning. We had twins last year. By the age of two we want them in a child development center. We are looking for programs and schools that reinforce our value for learning/cognitive and social development,  This, as well as competent health care, will determine where we live (we are currently in the States and are considering a move back to the Philippines). Fyi - I find health care in Davao lacking.

Any recommendations for child development centers?

Thanks
Wayne

I think you will find child development centers to be much like healthcare...you may have to visit 40 before you find a good one. I was blessed to have been army medic and civilian paramedic so i can pretty much take care of myself but most of you wont have that luxury. I would recommend visiting some of the church run places. I mean protestant church run. I found one here in Butuan for example that encourages independent study and motivation. You can also download stuff and really see an impact in children at home without many of the local negative influences or challenges. I taught middle and high school for 2 years in the USA and as a former certified teacher I am totally shocked with what I see here.

Gordy I hear your thoughts over the last few posts and definitely agree to a to a certain extent. Children can be a product of their environment. Many schools leave a lot to be desired no matter the country nor based on a wealth status or denomination.
Having said that and mentioning the word environment before, I and this is only my observation and lowly opinion consider education of our children starts at home. Morals, ethics, respect and self worth, religion/s etc. and lets not forget humility, ego's and a plethora of other standards.
Our kids go to school, what 30 or 35 hours a week for again what? 180 days of the year.
Take out lunch and breaks say 5 hours per day x 180 days = 900 hours at school learning.
Sleeping at 9 hours a day x 365 = 3285 hours.
Time at home with parents, siblings and friends therefore equals about 12.5 hours a day x 365 = 4,562 hours, some 5 times the amount spent at school.
My two children learnt far more at home than they ever gained from a private school in Oz especially respect and motivation to do well and move forward.
I think schools have their place but being a parent proper is where it's at and perhaps failing children that fall through the cracks starts at home.
OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

thanks steve,

Im told that I must be a snob here for wanting to keep kids safe and have best schools and things. I still believe that no matter where we live in the world, we can make a difference. I stress to everyone that I meet that education is what will improve their lives wherever they live.

I agree with that completely, but get tired of preaching, lol. I have both boys and my woman in private schools/college. What a difference it makes. And once the women here have an education, it seems they no longer want to have a dozen kids. Imagine that..

Ive been blessed with a second chance here. I just met someone new and for once I found someone who wants the best for her child. You are right about private schools. I have heard horror stories but schools like Angelicum Montesorri from what I have seen produce kids who speak perfect english and are well mannered. I was peace corps before. I also have a degree in political science. There is a relationship between education and fertility choices. again, I agree.

gordy5938 wrote:

I think you will find child development centers to be much like healthcare.....I am totally shocked with what I see here.

Yes, the openess of Dept Ed mandated social promotion relegates masses of people to subservient careers/jobs and lives. We send our niece to an English speaking private school in Davao. She scored a 90 last term in English. Can't get through a third grade story book (English) without mistakes and stumbling. And still prefers to speak her native dialect at home rather than take advantge of living with an English speaker. Her teachers present passages with grammatical and spelling errors. It is both frustrating and scary. She's in tenth grade. We do it because it is better than the alternatives.

For our twins, yes we will have to search. Which means visit, I guess. Even the most rudimentary of information seems not to be readily available. Websites are marketing vehicles. People do not reply to emails. You call and they want more info than they provide......usually ending with why don't you come in. The emphasis on profit in the Philippines infringes on quality in most things. Education included.

Yes, might have to do it myself, meaning hire an English speaker, download curriculum and materials and teach to person how to achieve the deliverables. What the twins will miss is the socialization....Uuufff!

I agree with your post El Gato. This drives me nuts, personally, and not because I think my country is superior, but because English is the standard for business, international travel, the internet, etc.  My asawa (mid 30's) who can speak reasonably well in English speaks (and yells) in Cebuano with the boys, despite my pleas to use English.. both to help them, and so I know what they are talking/yelling about. She's in college, and should know better, as her classmate just failed two call center interviews in a row due to poor English pronunciation, after 3 years of college IT courses..

One of the boys who has been in private school longer (and whom I taught to read) is fine, but the other one (adopted) is practically illiterate in English and could care less. I have him in a more affordable private school, but as you say the quality is not great. I have tried to convince all of them to converse with each other and me in English to better their grammar skills, pronunciation, etc.. but they won't do it. Despite the obvious benefits to future learning, college and career opportunities, travel, etc. Very frustrating, and one of those things that might push me to bail eventually, because I have invested a lot in their educations and it's also very isolating for me.

You touched on something that drove me crazy. The two younger boys here are pretty much illiterate in English even though it is supposedly taught. For the most part I feel like they are being rebellious little arses and just refuse to speak English. Then I get grief from the rest of family for being closer to the 14 year old girl who speaks almost perfect English. English is the lengua franca of the global business world and without it I am pretty sure the boys will end up selling peanuts on the beach or driving pedicabs.

Haha Gordy, I'd say we're on the same page.. that's what I keep telling the 11 yr old.. that he'd better learn English so he can succeed in his education and become something other than a tricycle driver.