Nothing specific.

The brilliant Tommy Cooper!

1. Two people walk into a building……….you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -”…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.”

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can't, I've cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I'll give you some cream to put on it.”

12. ‘Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?' “It's not unusual.”

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let's have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I'm going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he's cross-eyed?” “No, because he's really heavy”

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. “Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How's that?” Don't you start.”

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I've hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don't go there anymore”

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

24. I went to the doctors. He said ‘I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said ‘What for?' He said ‘I'd like to sweep the floor'.

25. Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

I was in my local shop earlier today about to pay for a chocolate bar, when I bumped into my mate Dave.
"Any luck on finding a job?" I asked him
"Change the topic" he sighed.
So I put it back and got a Dairymilk instead.

BBC NEWS: Australia, plane hits Ferris wheel.

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.

"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands"

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Terry :thanks:

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with
a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham .

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since
she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a
prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for
starters!'

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged
from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Away for a while, back laters. Daughters wedding

tearnet wrote:

That was excellent Terry..........


Mick:  Hope you and Lynnder have a wonderful day and that your daughter (and future husband) have a fantastic start to married life. 

Enjoy mate

Mike

Totally agree with Mike, tearnet and toon your jokes had me and my husband cracking up here

Congratulations to your daughter redmik, hope the day goes well for you all, best wishes

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'




Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!




An elderly couple is attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, to hell with the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

Steam railway enthusiast committed suicide by throwing himself under a train.
He was chuffed to bits!

Police stated that a serial T shirt thief who is stealing in sequence of sizes is still at large.

FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she
was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when
the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they
spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)



A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you
happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now..... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them
up your a**e - sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage."

Do we live in Malta or in UK ???

Pmsl!!!

Stephhh - I might live here but I for one retain my British sense of humour.

Travel News: A lorry load of Vicks Vaporub has overturned on the M25. Expect no congestion in the area

If you like engrish look at this sight
http://www.engrish.com

Terry

Stephhh wrote:

Do we live in Malta or in UK ???

??????????? We are what we are no matter where we live.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

it snow joke - its nearly always hailing their

To launch my new career as the Only singing superman on the planet I need some songs to pack out my act!
I'll start with ...

"Fly me to the moon", and "Holding on for a hero"

any ( clean) suggestions

sunshine superman

terry dont be a hero

flying in the air

something in the air tonight

venus in blue jeans or something very very close

A Muslin group has reported to have an influx of geordies wanting to join them.
No one from the group, Al Inshirah, was available for comment.



I wonder if Google will tell you how to avoid the taxman ??



While on holiday in Thailand I pulled a beautiful local girl and took her back to my hotel.
As I undid her jeans and looked down, I felt sick to the stomach.
I screamed, "Get the hell out of my room. People like you make me sick"
She said, "But ... I can explain ..."
I said, "Just get out .. there's no explanation for Manchester United knickers"



Went back to Ireland last weekend, was really looking forward to it until I went into the first bar and the beer was flat and they had stopped serving food.......turns out it was an English theme pub

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day,” commented the English man. “So we obviously decided to call him George” “That's a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”
“That's incredible, what a coincidence, “said the Irishman. “Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. 

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.  As he does, this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.  Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.  He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?  Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...   He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.  As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.  By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to the other lions and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees".

tearnet wrote:

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees".