When helping a little bit becomes dependency

He is taking advantage of your generous nature. $8000 , really? It's hard once you are engaged in a cycle of helping to stop , especially during this pandemic. However, his expectations are unrealistic and you need to make that clear. Not easy I know. You sound like you have a big heart ❤️. It's one thing to help and another to enable.

One way to manage this is to manage expectations.  Clearly lay out what you are willing to do. Set boundaries and stick to them!  It's hard sometimes but he will survive

Honestly, I feel this can happen anywhere you live (when it comes to people asking for money, just don't do it).  If you want to help people, I am sure that there are plenty of causes that you could give to in the DR or in any country where the funds will be put to use to help others.  Teaching someone to rely on you financially is not empowering them to help themselves.  Might be time to walk away.  Best of luck to you.

Money is a common ask but yet they some how always survive with you or not helping. Food for thought.

I was asked for money too in 2020. At that time I had a good job, did not hurt me to send 300$ to each of those two persons I got to know before. But like planner says, I put a hard limit to myself and did not send more after a new demand.
The one of them turned away. OK. So the situation became clear to me, he was only looking for a sponsor, that I do not want to be.
The other person still keeps contact, but took more distance.

I think, it is a situation, that gives me the chance, to do something good, if I assess for myself that I will do it.
On the other hand my opposite will learn, that there is a clear limit.
As a 'gringo' I also have to learn to say 'NO'. I am on the way to.

By the way: it is not only a problem of DR. I moved back into the big city where I was born. And after 30 years I observe, that the number of beggars increased dramatically since that time.
When I take my coffee in a restaurant outside in the morning I am asked for money at least three times per day. So...... training.

It's tough! I have helped out a local woman that has taken a number of children under her wing after their mother died last year. I've donated a used laptop, school supplies, chairs for their home school, and cash for other needs. It seems that almost every week, she's asking for more. I feel bad when I can't help her out, but there are lots of other people here in LT in a position to help. I have finally had to start thinking of her appeals for money just like I do all the email and snail mail solicitations I get from nonprofits I've supported over the years. Sometimes I can help and other times not. I never committed to continual support and there are so many different individuals and organizations to help out down here!

@ddmc 
First I only intended to come to DR to relax, was pretty exhausted by my last jobs and only thought of beach and palm trees.
In the meantime it changed and I think it will become boring after a while.
I got to know a priest and teacher in SD. Developed a very good and positive contact and if possible, I will look for other possibilities on a non profit base to support there. I think he knows about possibilities and can give me some advise.

I also felt bad after my return to the resort when I visited the real DR outside of tourism for some days. So much food and drinks, half full plates going to the waste in the hotel....
But that is tourism. It puts money into DR and supports too, I think.
I will find a way for myself to become content and support without spending money on a regular base.

We cannot rescue the whole world... 

Maybe somebody of this forum knows about serious help organizations I could contact.

I will message you privately as I have a few questions on that.

We all can make a difference.  It only takes any act of kindness.  As those who have enough, we can help out in other ways.  This may deserve its own thread!

I actually have a small list of threads we need and this is added

When I was first here I was saddened watching the kids from the surround 3 apartment blocks playing ball with a stick and a ball of paper. With my wife I bought cheap sets of baseball bat and rubber/plastic balls and gave it to the group. They loved it  and soon wore it out from use. THere was a run down former kids play area - a swing,  teeter-totter and slide. Spoke with owners of the two local stores who in turn spoke to the people about picking up garbage in area to raise money for refurbishing paly equipment - I put up the money. Cost me perhaps $20,000 pesos - got the area kids and adults cleaning up garbage, and with material - paint, wire brushes sandpaper for metal, chains for swing and someone to do welding and the little kids got a nice little area in the shade to play. So what I say is provide incentive for folks and they will generally appreciate doing something to earn the funds given. Of course this is not like responding to one on one help and subsequent continued requests but still, by having to do something to earn money, they appreciate the end result more. Have seen this to be true in countries where the economy is bad, the land ravaged by war, and ares to play safe we had to first clear of mines - so even in poverty, there is pride in contributing - especially where it concerns kids. THere will always be adult freeloaders and even more so in tourist areas looking for soft touches and unwary visitors.....jsut my two cents worth.....

Sounds like a hand up rather than a hand out!  Awesome!!!!

Rule#1 Have fun while there and dont ever give out your real contact info if at all. Treat the place like Toys R Us.....Play with the toys at the store and place them back on the shelf when done if you do not intend to make a purchase.....Easy Peasy   Also learn to just say no! He probably has multiple folks sending him money.

Many Chappiadoras there but there are also real people that you can help change their lives.  Not everyone is a player.  Been going there 13 years.

Yes we too have experienced the help lure. I was getting my nails done in LT  and the DR girl was pregnant as can be. I gave her a nice tip and extra for the baby. She couldn't speak english and used her emplorers phone for translator. Tells me she is 25 has 3 children , all different fathers, her Mom is sick with diabetes and she lives with her parents.
Weeks go on She asks my husband and I to be the Godparents. Covid comes. We couldn't go back to Dr but she is always looking for help. I feel badly and send money but once I had a cancer scare she stopped writing now. 2 years. I guess kindness is looked at as foolishness. I think the only way to go is with a grass roots organization. One on one is not the way. Sad really. I did think she had potential to rise up and get some skills.

Sadly I think that story is common around the cabarete area. The covid excuse has been thrown around a lot after coming here since 1997 I've heard that from several people who wanted money. And they're not really that shy about it. They'll say give me money you don't ask but I think what the other responder said was manager expectations have a cut off point. I have zero issues with helping out my friends but when it gets to the point where they're expecting you to pay for everything in their life you have to say enough is enough. Protect yourself and protect your future yes the economy here hasn't really recovered yet but there are jobs true they're not high paying and not really in the tour sector but I've seen cabarete go through changes over the years but the last two years has been rough for it that's for sure. I have faith that will return to that little beachside town and the kiteboarding and water sport Mecca it once was. Sadly your story is nothing new I hear it all the time from several expats. They laugh at me when I cut people off after a certain point they go oh you got to give him more time I'm like now if they look at you as you're an ATM there's never any recovering from it. Cut your losses enjoy your retirement.

Maybe it's about why we are helping?  Maybe it's about who we choose to help and how?

Our first world guilt is powerful.  We have so much and they have so little!  And yes that is used as a trigger!

Maybe it's a change of our mindset that is needed. Instead of giving mom money, pay for one if her children to be educated?  Pay for her to learn skills?  I am throwing out ideas here

How do we give a hand up that doesn't become toxic?

I hear you there and in the past I've offered to help people out with that. Education or skills training. Even though I may not be my children I offered to give a little do you know get the basic clothing, educational needs, food for the children but usually if they smell any money they go for more. That may just be my feeling or experience but you are right about it being guilt coming from a country that takes care of or at least tries to most of its citizens. We're here they have nothing really to help them during the difficult time. Like I said I usually set an amount and if it hits that amount I'll discuss the topic with the person and if they use me as an ATM that's usually an instant trigger to stop. I know the truth Dominican people and they are the most loving caring compassionate and loyal people you'll ever meet in the world. So yeah maybe it's covid but it just seems like nowadays it's just give me give me give me it's not even could you please help me out it's just shocked me this year. It's going to come last year due to the covid restrictions so that was the first year in a very long time I skipped coming here and it seemed like it happened during last year. Because every now and then when I was back in the States I would get you know text message or something I really need help with rent and that was cool I had zero issue helping people that way but when it gets to the point where it's give me give me give me yeah that's stop pointing for me. When it turns into support me because we are friends it's usually a point where you determine that the friendship isn't really what you think it is. If you don't want to hurt their feelings just do this say listen I'm going through a rough patch financially I need about two three weeks to rebudget my money and if they don't call you during 2 3 weeks but they call you right on the day you give them then you know what it's really about. I told numerous expats to do that just say listen I need a month I need to refinance everything and I would say maybe 60% would say that they never heard from the person doing that month but when it rolled around the first of the month they would just bombard them with messages. At that point you really know how they consider your friendship. The best advice anyone can give you when it comes to this topic and trust me I've seen on numerous forums about it . The best advice is follow your heart and don't let it ever change how you truly feel and see The beautiful people of Dominican Republic.

In most countries, Latin, Arab, India and some in Asia, it is almost normal to ask people for money...if they are poor, their families view them as a source of income and they start begging early.
Remember, no newspaper jobs, no cleaning backyards for allowances, few fast food jobs, just shoe shining under the hot sun.
No different here, lazy ones start stealing or selling drugs, lucky ones land resort jobs and opportunities to make life changes, and when they see tourists throwing tips around, they don't understand how hard people work to come for a vacation, they imagine that is their lifestyle year-round.
Also, family members are usually giving or sending money to the needier ones in the family who are asking for help. Just check the amount of remittances from the US to the island, incredible!

Different ideas about sharing, more direct and personal. Lunchtime is often shared between several families so everyone gets to eat, same w caring for children. Pooling your resources is normal, so sharing money becomes acceptable.

Absolutely true!

I guess I've just been lucky with my friends/acquaintances--I don't get asked for money. And the couple of times I've offered after hearing certain situations where I thought I could help, I think I offended the people to whom I extended the offer.

My first trip down to Punta Cana stayed at one of the hotels and became friendly with the wine manager. I always have philosophy rather tip someone more than give a handout for someone working hard and good service.

I would always stay at the hotel when visiting but when I bought my place it changed because didn't need a place to stay. However, pre covid needed a place to stay one night so went back since I had not seen them for few years. I did my usual return of tipping genoursly but was off early that night but was very anxious to be able to see me again before I left. The next day when kept hearing from them about needing to see me before I left. Never did see because it was obvious what it was about,

Covid strikes and they are out of work and hear from them about needing to buy stuff for fixing up his house. I told them could not help especially off the last visit and conversation got nasty from their side at the end.

Morale of the story, work hard, never expect anything in return and don't burn bridges where you don't have to.

I often will help out without being asked. 

For example now is a great time to help anyone with kids.  In August kids go back to school here.  It's expensive in relative terms!  I have started buying backpacks and school supplies for people I know will need help. No one has asked for help.  I am simply recognizing it's been a hard year and doing what I can!

Slightly off subject...
For those living in Las Terrenas , do you know if either of the two large supermarkets have gift cards available? And if so, would you be willing to help me purchase some for 2 families there?
Please PM, thanks.

I am looking for an orphanage in the Santo Domingo area to give donations of food and other supplies to. Does anyone know of any?

It is my personal policy never to give or lend money here.  It has never ended well.

I will, however, pay more than fairly for work well done, and if someone is in need, I hire them to do whatever odd job.  Never never let yourself be taken advantage of, it ruins it for the rest of us.

Give/lend money to friends/family if you can live with never getting it back and finding out later that they lied to you about the entire situation. Hint - I've never seen anyone who told me they could actually have this be true when it was all said and done.

It isn't natural to work out of poverty into a comfortable situation. A small or even medium donation will not fix it. If you see lottery winners, they often end up more bankrupt than before. People create the environment they live in based on what they see in their own minds and work for.

Some people were blessed to never deal with poverty at a true level. Life isn't and will never be fair. Also, be aware that having money isn't a guarantee to be happy. There are many who are happy and have a daily struggle just to eat, drink water, and have shelter.

If you want to feel good about giving money, give it as long as it makes you feel good. If you want to help fix the problem, you have to invest in changing minds and hearts. Money can be useful here, but as 2VPSoldier's story shows, the real investment is in time and creativity to get other people invested in the answers, which they must come up with a good amount of on their own.

How was your experience buying property in DR ? I am looking to purchase land to build. But lots have become very expensive.
I am lying La Romana  since punta cana is lot more expensive than any other places .

If you're going to donate to any orphanage or charity, please visit it first before donating.

I also have been coming for 20  years to the DR and found it's and endless need. I've found some that will work and do absolutely anything to put food on their table, and I've found a separate group ( one usually dressed well, in the clubs, never has a job) but always wants money and will become dependent on you. I have helped both. Some see us expats as a bank, and others actually see us as people. Live and learn on the one's it's worth helping, but in the end they don't have to answer to me. Jobs aren't easily come by, and they're a lot of work for low pay, but they are there. I prefer helping those with children any day.

cjkdm.....since you tried to blow him off, but he continues to pursue you, and you are able to get rid of him, you would do best to leave that area. There are many similar places in the dr. Then in the next place, make a better effort to resist the next guy. Dont give them anything.