Is there a love between a foreign older man and a vietnamese girl

just say a advice, your love is not sure and i dont see that your boyfriend ensure that he will marry with u,

Don't agree to anything with him until he comes to Vietnam and meets you in person. After you spend personal time actually together and get to know each other very well, then you can decide if you're doing the right thing or not. There's no problem with the age difference as long as you are compatible with each other. Can only find that out by being together for some time - at least a few weeks. I'm sure others here will have further advice for you.

I have seen his real flat. He is a little poor and he tell me he will give me a green card and take care for me if I come his country but I am afraid. He say he will follow my chosen about what we live after we married. But actually, it is very difficult for my parents if I choose to live in Vietnam,they will shame if I married him, he is older than my father, if I choose to live in UK, Iam afraid he can not take care for me, he just have 500 pound for 1 month. Beises, I can live by myself in my country and do not need to marry any man. I do not sure I can agree to stand a big sacrifice to live with him. I am very confused.

Hello there Ms Wind1989,
Please think very carefully, before any commitment.... As 'Saigon Monkey' says.. Invite him to Vietnam, where you can spend some time together.  Has he been to Vietnam before? Does he understand your amazing Vietnamese family culture?  Age difference is not a huge problem, if there is genuine LOVE...
I strongly suggest, you approach this marriage, very slowly and with great caution... You are still very young, time is on your side.
I had a failed marriage in India recently. I was 49 and I married a Tibetan lady that was 41... We rushed into marriage, only to find the culture difference was just so great (Long story)... It was a regrettable disaster....
Go slowly Ms Wind, think carefully.
Take care Kid.
Metta
Greg

I don't know about UK's spousal sponsorship but in Canada if the sponsor is on welfare it would be very hard if not impossible to bring your wife/husband to Canada. In Canada you have to support whoever you bring over for 3 years and demonstrate you have the financial means to take care of them for those 3 years.

But I agree with everyone that before you marry the guy at the minimum he has to come to Vietnam to physically see you and immerse himself in your culture.

Really do you want to marry someone you've only met online for 3 months and never done or gone anywhere together. If he was serious he would fly to Vietnam to personally say he wants to marry you but I doubt he can afford the plane ticket let alone a wedding.

I hope you don't take it badly but on the internet it's easy to say 'I love you' and all the nice stuff or bad stuff in this forum because nobody see you and you don't see the other person.

You're young and I'm sure beautiful. There will be lots of opportunity to find the right person that will make you happy. Don't marry someone if it's just out of guilt and pity. Marry someone because you truely love them.

He say with me we will marry after 2 years because he say he can not quit his small business now and the airplane ticket is very expensive about 1000 pound for one ticket. He have to save up money so maybe I can meet him in the first time after 3 years in the future. He is make a plan for ours in the future but I do not waste my time if everything is not sure. I feel it is a dangerous decision to marry him.

Singapore wait time is 26 months to be approved to go live in another country.

So if he marries you in 3 years it will be at the most you're looking at over 5 years before you can go to uk. You'll be 31 and he'll by 60 by than.

Lots of things can happen in those 5 years. Being physically together only once in those 5 years can take a mental toll on the relationship. Lots of people break up because of this long wait.

Just something to think about and be prepared for. Only you know the answer in your heart.

Hi again Ms Wind,
May I say, that your written English, is 98% great.. Well done!!
Your obviously well educated, you are so much further advanced, than many of my VN friends.... You are Young!! You are educated!!
I'd bet a thousand bucks, that you are beautiful, as well!!
Don't waste your time, with 'Western people's promises'.
The grass, is not always greener, on the other side of the fence.
Be careful Kid
Greg

wind1989,
I can finger out your situation. You're just 25 years old now. He is older than you much. Anyone knows that, but what i wanna say you that life is moving so much. The relationship between you and him will be better if it is just the sharing. He is lonely, and he needs you. You should clarify your emotion, perhaps it's not really the love. Getting married is not just the sharing, but the real love. Will  be panic or painful if evrything is not strong enough to go right. From my view, I think you should think of your emotion carefully, listen to your heart and whatever happens, never leave him without the definite reason.
He will feel happy because you are happy if he really loves you.
KIM

In relationship needs :  feeling, understanding, finance, language , loving each others , trust, and one thing is the most and more important than all above items is sacrifice. If u feel shame bcos of his age if he was lives in Vietnam is your love not enough, u scared if u come there he will not able to look after you means the trust u have on him is not enough, the feeling ? Understanding ? Language u must be fine as I saw ur English is better than me LOL. In a lifetime of a person has two important things, one is first time interview at big brand company, another is the wedding ( job and love ) .
According to your replies and your post... I guess you are just foretell about your benefits only ... I feel like all of those your confusing isn't about you feeling you have to make him happy because you own him.
To be honest to yourself and give the answer to yourself.
When u still writing your feeling here means you aren't love him.

Dear Ms.Wind

Just once thing you have mistake : You said YES when u not really think twice about that....But it just a word...can change...a bit shy but ok....bcz sometime we did mistake.

In my opinion really have The Real Love between young woman and old man. But you only marry with the man when ur heart touch his heart..but ur story im not sure u got that...

Sorry if i think something wrong about him...but im not really trust him a lot...if i love a woman..want to marry with her..sure i will do it a.s.a.p...i wont let her waiting 2 years...And i know you wont get marry bcz money..but just buy a ticket is a bit trouble with him...so you are sure he can take care ur family in future. And when you live in his country....everything is not easy also.

Hope you can think careful and you will happy.

Yuli

Dear Ms Wind,
You have got some great advise, from VN people and some expats.
Please listen to all advise, given..... You asked for advise!!
You got it...
Read carefully, posts from 'Yuli','Rabbit' and 'ngaunhien', Go slowly kid.... 500Pound a month is poverty in the UK...
You don't want to jump out of the frypan, into the fire.
Greg

I were denied a love from him one time and he is very disapointed but after that, a short time,we talk like the couples.If I deny him again, I will lost him because I can feel he do not make frienlds with me, he also ask me what I want and try to bamper me but I still do not say anything about this.

wind1989 wrote:

I were denied a love from him one time and he is very disapointed but after that, a short time,we talk like the couples.If I deny him again, I will lost him because I can feel he do not make frienlds with me, he also ask me what I want and try to bamper me but I still do not say anything about this.

I just scare  when i lost the love of my life...never scare lost any guy just bcz i deny his love. Some time we need chose....Be stronger my friend.

Yuli

Ok, 1st money can not buy love.  Money can buy ice cream, and I love ice cream lol.  Marriage is a commentment between 2 people that need to share simular goals for happiness.  I did not read anything about simular goals. Love is very intense emotion but it will not buy ice cream. When love ends we always need ice cream.

Well said, mate...... Life is life.... and then, there is Ice cream...MMMM. I miss a good Ice Cream...
I hope this helps Ms Wind....

If we agree to have a commitment to a person(LOVE) because he/she was good or did something for us. Well, it is not love.

You just want to pay back.

Follow what your heart is saying.
Let go and live the way you want so in times you won't regret anthing you have done.

Please be careful. Really, you should listen to your fears and concerns because they are real ones.

An older man being kind isn't enough for you to feel you owe him anything so big. You might not be used to a man who is 30 years older than you being friendly and helpful in this way, but it was his choice to help with English or to talk nicely etc.

If he did it to be friendly, then you don't owe him anything, except to be friends. If he did it just to get a very young VN woman to marry him, then maybe you should avoid that type of man.

It is a warning that he wants to marry you before he has met you. Perhaps he just wants any young VN wife, rather than YOU.

It is not easy to go to a Western country and leave your family. Some women are very unhappy. There are also some dangers for you in travelling alone to a foreign country to meet a stranger (if you can get a visa). Real life isn't the same as on the internet.

If he comes here and you decide then that he is genuine and for you, then it is different. But you are young and there is plenty of time. You do not owe this particular man anything now.

There is a definite difference between kindness and love so don't confuse the two. 

As I see it he has very little money and not much prospect of being able to support you. 

He has no understanding of Asian family values and relationships. 

For him to want to marry you before having met you is a recipe for disaster. 

If you go to his country with no family no friends you will feel trapped and will indeed be trapped if he has no money to support let alone fly you home. 

If he is working then he will not be around when you need him so again you will be stuck at home feeling miserable.

Sorry for be so brutally honest but in my 40 plus years of being in Asia I have seen many relationships fall apart for cultural, financial and lack of knowledge reasons. 

Marriage is a big commitment and needs to be thought through very carefully by both parties before any decision in made. 

I am married to a lovely Lao lady who is 25 years younger than me, we have 3 kids and our relationship is not all a bed of roses. 

My personal opinion is not to go ahead with this.

Wind198,

My opinions:
1. About your topic question: Yes, there is love between an old man and a young girl.

2. About your issue: You dont love him. I haven't read any of your words saying you love or have emotions for him. What you are doing with him is a habit.

My advice:
1. Listen to the voice inside you. Ask yourself if you love him. But remember, love someone doesn't mean you will fall in love with him. Love only doesn't guarantee a long lasting happiness, especially when you start a family together. For a family, you need finanical security, responsibility, understanding and tollerance (the list will continue). Do you both have those? If not, are you positive and confident to get those? …

2. Go out. Do not stay at home, stick to the PC  and see him an only man existing in the world. You should meet and know more people (both men and women). It will bring you a wider vision of life.

3. Never ever be afraid to loose someone or something. If it happens, it happens. The importance is you spend every minute for the present and live with your whole heart. If that, though things don't come the way you want, I am sure nothing will make you feel regretful. Be strong and positive, it's not always bad when something ends.

Regards,

Thank you for most advice of everybody. Actually, heretofore, when we do not have any love, he used to tell me that he want to live in Vietnam and have a small business in there, he also want have a nationality in Vietnam. He ask me that if he come Vietnam, he want to hire me like a secretary. But when we are in a relationship, I talk with him I do not want to live in Vietnam with him, so he do not tell about this. He give me an invite to visiting his home in UK, he can pay for me everything but I deny it.   
If now, I tell with him that we just are frienlds, I think he is very shocked and break off everything.
I talk English very badly but if he want I go to UK with him, maybe he will ask me go to the English center but he do not do this. He say he can teach for me and when I go to UK, I will study more.The recent week, when I ask him about the gurantee in this relationship,he say he do not know the future. But he still make the plan for our future. I do not know what he want.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but here is my opinion: He doesn't love you enough to be a good husband, and you do not love him. Your relationship with your family is also important. Has he even tried to get the approval of your parents? Is he trying to learn Vietnamese?

500 pounds per month is not a lot of money. In the US, you can make much more than that by waiting tables in a restaurant, or working in a kitchen. I would imagine that the UK is about the same. It does not sound like he has enough money to take care of a wife. If you were to get married, would you have any kids? If so, how would he support them?

It sounds like the only reason you are considering this is because he is nice to you. That is not a good reason to get married. You have a good education and are still young. When I asked my wife to marry me, we had no questions about our relationship. I was 100% confident that she was the one that I was supposed to marry, and she had the same feelings about me. In this situation, it doesn't sound like you are even 50% confident.

I am afraid that you may be thinking that he can give you a better life, but I do not think that is the case. It may be better to wait to marry someone who you fall deeply in love with and be able to keep a good relationship with your family.

After your story, i think you should think carefully like everybody said above. If you believe this love is true. You should create the challenge for you and him. After few years, you and he feel that you still love him. AT that time You have enough the belief to determine your future. It's too short for you and he can understand each other more. Let the time prove that. We are still young. So that we have something we don't know more than our parents. Are there no parents don't love their child? they always want the good life to us. I wish you have enough spirit to decide what is wrong or right? Don't let our life mislead when we have not had enough experience to face it yet.

Dear Ms Wind,
You have many friends here, that are worried about you.
Many people have replied to your uncertainty/great caution...
Don't waste your time, with people on the internet... Meet people face to face.... The last 10 posts above have everything you need to know...
We all have given you good advise... We are all worried about you... Your English is very good, you are educated, you have a good job, you are very young, and I bet that you are very beautiful as well... You would be so much more happy, with a nice Vietnamese boy....
500pounds per month is really, survival money in England. I don't see how, he can look after you(and future children coming).
Simply, my new friend.
Be careful.
My kindest regards
Mr Greg

The more I read this post the more I believe you only want to marry him for the chance to go live overseas. If it was a 55 year old Vietnamese local making $100 USD/mth, teaching you English would you marry him? Chances like this don't come very often for people in Vietnam.

But you are conflicted because you sound like a very loyal person to not just your family but your future husband as well. It's alright to question your uncertainty.

You don't love the guy at all and how can you if you never held the guy's hand. You've only met the guy for 3 months online. You have to think what's right for you first otherwise it will be a major problem in the future.

If you believe that marriage is for life, then it is one of the Most Important Decisions  you have to make in life, so please THINK very very carefully. To feel obliged to someone is not a good reason to be tied to that person for life. To face life's challenges, you need a much stronger bond than that! Do not feel sorry nor pitiful for anyone else because its your life you are living and reality checks are vitally important. To top it all, being Asian, your family's approval is very critical or you will find no end to relationship issues in future!  At his age and to be just getting 500 pounds seems to me he doesn't really have any valuable skills to sell, and running any business is no guarantee of success. So, although many say, follow your heart, and feel for love, I believe a bit of realism is called for in this case. All the best

Yes miss wind, I agree with most, I am in same situation but reverse, so easy to see evry thing in the window but when in the store , item not the same quality. Take time, shop around have time together b4 yes, it is a big decision for your life. My lady friend from HCMc dist 7 we meet feburary she was tour guide for group, we are very similar, but we  do not really know each other, I will return september to make more contact and for her too so she can see me more clearly , then think about her choice

Hi Ms. Wind !

This is the first time I have joined Expat.com. I just want to share my thought with your matter ^^.
I can understand what you are thinking now, your family and him and yourself are making you feel pressure then you can not think freely. I agree with most, you should meet him first in person. This is the important matter of your life, not simply say yes without knowing and seeing him much. Thinking over it carefully, not for this time but for your whole life. Woman needs a shoulder to rely on whenever she is upset or in difficulties. Make sure you could see that from him. It takes a long time to understand and love someone I guess. So I think you need to take more times to know him before a right decision.

Be strong !!

Hello Ms Wind,
Did you make a decision?  Were we any help?  Best of luck to you....

I have read most of what everyone has written...all superb and full of a real love.
I am an American of whom is married to a Cambodia/Vietnamese woman.
This lovely woman is much younger than I...and yet after 5 years knowing and begin married ...love and life are excellent.
Yes, what you desire can happen...but please know your man.
My wife and I knew each other for years and lived together for 9 months before deciding to be married.
I truly wish the 2 of you the very best.
It will not be easy...and culturally you are different.
Find someone educated to help you in times of trouble...someone with a heart.
Go slow...no hurry.
My new family...really my wife's family accept me totally...as we are now a complete family.
At present my wife and I live in the USA...but soon we will visit family for the Holidays.

Blessings to you.

Thanks eugene, i know the words were for another, but the sentiment applies here as well thanks again, still hoping, mark

the fact that you even have to ask this shows that you really have no idea about such relationships and what you want in your life. Marriage between much older male and younger girl is a joke in any western country but it is ok in South East Asia because love doesn't mean the same. Don't let anyone fool you that age doesn't count in love because it most certainly does for all these old men going after much younger girl: age is of utmost importance for them. Most of such girls, including you, talk about the importance of someone taking care for you,being nice etc. Ask yourself if you would be making enough money if you would still consider such men to be your husband? If yes,then well, you have a very low dating standards..

One thing also comes to my mind: girls like this never really think of the future. You are in the beginning of your life,he is moving to his last stage. Let say you get a children in few years when he will get 60. What exactly can you look forward to? Being a personal nurse to man in his 60tis while you barely hit 30ties? Him being old means most of his friends are old,especially in UK - you can be sure that girls your age don't hang out around him in UK. At 25 years you willing to hang out around such old people instead of people your age? Age gaps means there is also a mentality gap of entire generation - young people think differently than old - it is not coincidence that majority of people hang out around people their own age. Many of such men are also overweight ,how long will they live? Become widow in 10-15 years? You children will have no father when they become teens? What happens if he dies and you are still in your 30ties or early 40ties?

If he really earns that little money he is on the low end of social ladder in UK. Did you ask yourself what exactly does he want from you? Why not a young girl in his county (hint:young girl never date such men in west)? Why not even a woman his age? What love exactly does he want from a young woman half his age in far country? Or does he need someone just taking care of him now that he is getting older? Or is he, just like so many man, thinking with his penis because hey, you are young and better looking than women his age? Or even more probably: that finding a girl from poor country is his only way to have a wife in the future?

I always wondered this - what is wrong with young Vietnamese boys? Or maybe even foreigner your age?Vast majority of young girls in the west find a boyfriend around their age so why is it so "difficult" for you too? And what even makes a Vietnamese girls to even considering to going in such a relationship at young age? All I always hear is somehow connected with financials : he takes care of me, buys me thins, will take me to his country, will send money to my family etc.. that's not love,you are just looking for someone to take care for you..in this case,well,do you what you want to.

Sure, most of older men with much younger wives will disagree with me but remember again - none of them wanted to settle for (Asian) woman their age,just like they would do in the west. Sure,their wives and their families are happy with their arrangement because men provide financial stability and that's what it counts. If instead of western foreigner it was a poor Cambodian older guy they would have never married them. Or like like someone above asked: If it was a 55 year old Vietnamese local making $100 USD/mth, teaching you/them English would you/they marry him/them?

One more time, remember this older male much younger girl is mostly poor South East Asian phenomena.Western girls have different standards and "he is good and takes cares for me" would never be enough there. There are plenty of good Vietnamese and even foreign boys around your age who would be a good boyfriend and husbands - I wonder what is your excuse to not date them?

I would like to say that I do NOT say that love between older male and young girl is not possible but we have to be realistic here. It would be very interesting to know how many of such girls would still follow such men if financials would be taken away from the equation (eg. girl would have good job with good salary,old Cambodian farmer instead of old foreigner,...)

Firstly,I send my thank for all of every ideas of every people and I am very appreciate all of this. I am also thinking my problems. Dear Tito12, I understand your ideas about my age and his age. The age is always the most caring problems. I agree with you about your view of this.
Actually, I used to have some Vietnamese boyfrienld in my past. They are still young, many power, close to me and take care for me better than "my special frienld" but it always have a price, they do not infidelity, changes, do not have any gurantee in the future.
Besides, I am also the girl who have nothing, I do not have more materials, I born in the poor family and live in the smallest house. My family have to lend the money when I want to study in university. I do not give the reason that it justify my action. But who will want to marry a nothing girl.
Truthly, I am too boring with the younger man in Vietnam. Finding a good man in Vietnam is very difficult, beside fiding a man from foreigner country is harder. I know I am still young and many choose so I am also thinking so much. I can marry an older man over 35 ages, it is normal with me. For me, if I want to marrying a man, the first thing I have to consider his income to gurantee for me and my family. It is enough with me.

Tito12,
Waiting for your input.

Rgs,

wind1989 wrote:

For me, if I want to marrying a man, the first thing I have to consider his income to guarantee for me and my family. It is enough with me.

This is a good point, but 500 pounds per month is not very much money in the UK. Monthly expenses (rent, food, clothes, gas, etc.) in the west are MUCH larger than monthly expenses in VN.

If you live in the UK with only 500 pounds per month, you will not have money to send to your family. That is a VERY small amount of money. You may have enough for a small apartment, electricity, and cheap food, but that would be it. Your living conditions will not improve because the cost of living will increase so much if you go to the UK.

This guy is EXTREMELY poor by UK standards. Let me explain it like this: I have been homeless in the US. When I was homeless, I made about 500 pounds per month.

I hate to give you bad news, but if you are thinking about marrying this guy because you think he has money, you will be very disappointed. He will not be able to provide a good life for you in the UK, and you will not have money to send home to your family.

Too much emphasize is put on the guy's measly $500/mth income. No matter how many times you say $500/mth it doesn't equate to these Asian girls thinking of the potential income opportunity and future in a Western country.

Everyone likes to dream. There is nothing wrong with having aspirations. You're young you have 40+ years of your life ahead of you.

Seriously think of the potential problems that may arise from a marriage relationship with this fellow that has barely enough to cover rent and food let alone support another person. What if he was to divorce you and you're left on your own in a foreign country with no money. I've heard this scenario many times. You will feel obligated to stay with the old guy no matter how badly he treats you and cheats on you. And he knows this too that you can't leave him because you have no money and no knowledge how to survive in a foreign country.

I'm not saying your boyfriend might be like these other bad people but just think about it. I think you can find any well off Vietnamese men in their 30's in Vietnam. Don't just marry the guy because you think he's the only person that will ever be willing to marry you. You can write English so I assume you're educated. Lots of educated Vietnamese men would want to marry you. Not so the young locals because they would feel intimidated by your superior education.

All I have to say is don't rush things. You have to be strong. You have to think for yourself first otherwise both you and him won't be happy. Demand what you want and if he isn't happy than too bad for him. Best of luck.

The only reason that I am focusing on the income is because I get the feeling that she thinks that she will have a good life. The website below gives a good idea about the costs of various things in London. For example, utilities/internet will run 180GBP, an apartment outside of the city center will run 905GBP. That alone shows that it is practically impossible for him to live in the London area unless he is homeless.

Cost of living in London

I am afraid that you are getting your hopes up about what life will be like. In the US, poverty is defined as living on less than $23,050. This guy is living on about half of that. Wind, I don't get the feeling that you are putting this in proper perspective.

I have family in Saigon, and some of them are poor. I love them very much, and if one of my in-laws were in your situation, I would beg them not to marry this guy if he only makes 500 GBP/month.

Funny you mention this. My fiance's family in Vietnam is poor by their definition. They have no savings in their account. They live paycheque to paycheque. But they have each other to support.

I envy their lifestyle. No debt to worry about. Lots of downtimes. Lots of family gatherings to eat, dance and sing. Always happy. Sure they may not have cars, big screen tvs or money to go away on vacation but they seem happy getting by without them.

So Wind don't think your family is poor because they lack money. I think having a supportive family is richer than any money can buy. Can your husband be this supportive is the question you have to ask yourself.