He wants to marry and study in France,i Just met him. Help me!

Pretty in pink wrote:

Hi, I really hope that I can get some kind of Advice here.

I've been seeing a guy from Algeria we met on holiday last year. We only started off as friends now it's love. We want to get married but he wants everything his way. He wants to study in France and marry me there. But for him to go to France he needs to pay fees £6000 he asked if I could maybe help him pay half.....I am a nurse and have 3 children to support its to hard to raise that kind of money. I told him that I couldn't get that kind of money, he said that in don't care and I don't want to help him! I couldn't believe it, I then booked a holiday to meet him in Tunis to see him and show him that ok I don't have the money but I am serious about being with him. And I suggested we married in Tunisia he said NO. He didn't really give a reason it was just No and he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I've spoke with his mum and sisters on the phone so they know about me.... But he wants to study and marry me in France I'm so confused. If he loved me he marry me right!!!!

To be brutally honest, after reading your post, He is just using you to get into France. He wants it all his way. Do not waste anymore time or money on him.

I agree with stumpy... please be very careful.

Thank you    I know it's true, I can't believe it he's always so interested in my children and we talk everyday, and his mum and sisters know about me, but who knows!! The more we talk about money the more we argue he just wants me for the money to get to France!!!! Next month I have my holiday that I booked for us, looks like I will be going alone. If he really truly loved me surely he would marry me in Tunisia. He also doesn't like his friends to know about me as I know them from when I met them last year, he told me not to talk with them and I must never tell them that we are together as he said they will be jealous lol. Also he won't let me visit him in Algeria as he said its Haram as we are not married it's not allowed!!!! There's to many conditions to be with him. 

I wonder if he is already married in Algeria?
That would explain why he cannot marry there.
Take care PIP.

- He is okay with meeting you in Tunisia, and to go to France with you to get married there, but suddenly meeting him in Algeria is "haram"? If anything, it's more "haram" to be in France alone! Clearly has has something to hide in Algeria. A wife? Kids? Won't be surprised at all. It's quite normal for them to be married, yet seek a foreigner for immigration purposes only, as he is doing here.

- He's obviously concerned his friends will drop an inconvenient fact. Maybe they will mention something that you're not currently aware of. It's quite clear why he wants to distance them from you. They can not be trusted to maintain the lies.

- You're very lucky in the sense he's made it very clear from the start he isn't interested in marriage to you at all, but only wants to use you for his study ambitions, and to obtain a visa to France. Many hide these motives from the foreigner and it's only revealed later on, by then it's too late, as they would of obtained Indefinite Leave to Remain, and usually that's shortly followed by divorce, needless to say. No offence, but he's done you a huge favour, as you don't even need to try to figure out his real reasons for wanting to "marry" you. Most of the time, we are asked to advise someone who isn't sure what to do, because their partner isn't giving out any details about their real intentions, and they are having a headache trying to figure out whether their partner actually loves them or is exploiting them, and here he is, telling you everything you need to know!! It's an easy decision. In fact, there is ever only 1 decision. Break it off!

Cancel tickets. Onwards and upwards.

Feel sorry for you but the previous posters are all right. He is not into you but into your money what  you don't have.

Break it before its to late.  This is first class scam, don't fall for it.

Actually I wouldn't necessary call it a scam. Because in fairness, he was honest enough to tell her about his intentions to go abroad and study, and that he needed financial support in that endeavor. How many won't talk about their real plans to the foreign partner, and trick them into sending money for an "illness" or another problem that does not exist, all while saving up the money to use it for something they have in mind! So in his defense, I don't believe it's a scam like the others we come across. He made it clear where his priorities lie, and that his main focus is to get into France to study, rather than marrying her, which he could do in Tunisia as she suggested, but he refused. She's lucky, considering the amount of times I hear stories of people losing thousands of pounds in these types of relationships, and getting dumped later on when no longer needed. Fortunately she hasn't given him the money. So to the poster, you should be happy! Things could of been a lot worse now or in the future!

Thankyou everyone.

I do feel so hurt. Especially he's still talking to me now while Ramadan is on lol
Maybe his parents are in on it to. I just don't know but I won't give nothing as I could give him the money and that's it......I don't see him again lol makes sense really as if had nothing to hide we would marry where ever but it's all about France!!!! What happens after France lol I'm British and won't move my children. Thankyou all for just giving me that extra kick. I'd real know now than later while he swans off in France lol

Hello Pretty in pink,

All of the other posters are absolutely correct, so I won't expand on what they've said about it not being love for him.

My friends El.Jost and XB23 are probably right, he could very well already be married in Algeria. Having spoken to his mother and sister on the phone means very little. They could well be in on his nasty little secret and see you as a future potential source of income if he can trick you into bringing him to France.

His interest in your children is about as real as his so-called "love" for you too, it's all part of the act. Both would vanish quicker than a snowflake in the hot Algerian sun the moment he gets his visa, I can assure you. The fact is that no Algerian man, and I presume Muslim at that, would consider marriage to a woman who already has children. Just out of curiosity are you older than he is? That would be the third strike if we were comparing the relationship to baseball.

Turn and run, don't look back...   and be happy you did.

Cheers,
James    Expat-blog Experts Team

Pretty in pink wrote:

Thankyou everyone.

I do feel so hurt. Especially he's still talking to me now while Ramadan is on lol
Maybe his parents are in on it to. I just don't know but I won't give nothing as I could give him the money and that's it......I don't see him again lol makes sense really as if had nothing to hide we would marry where ever but it's all about France!!!! What happens after France lol I'm British and won't move my children. Thankyou all for just giving me that extra kick. I'd real know now than later while he swans off in France lol

Parents? The entire family is usually in on it! Don't believe me? Go ahead and tell them it's over, and that you're disgusted with him and his attitude, and don't want anything to do with him any more. Watch what happens next! True colours will be revealed in no time! All that 'love' they had for you, will instantly disappear, and quickly be replaced with their true feelings. Been there, done that. In some cases they may try to convince you, in a bid to keep you in, and if that doesn't work, lets just say nothing good will come out of their mouth next.

No need to feel hurt. You haven't lost anything. If you compare your story to others who got married, only for it to have been for immigration purposes as well as money, and thus duped, you will feel you have been saved from inevitable disaster that was bound to take place!

It's not your responsibility to pay for his studies and take him to France. Let him go and find someone else willing to be his sponsor! You're better than that, and have more important things to worry about, than his self-interests.

James wrote:

Hello Pretty in pink,

All of the other posters are absolutely correct, so I won't expand on what they've said about it not being love for him.

My friends El.Jost and XB23 are probably right, he could very well already be married in Algeria. Having spoken to his mother and sister on the phone means very little. They could well be in on his nasty little secret and see you as a future potential source of income if he can trick you into bringing him to France.

His interest in your children is about as real as his so-called "love" for you too, it's all part of the act. Both would vanish quicker than a snowflake in the hot Algerian sun the moment he gets his visa, I can assure you. The fact is that no Algerian man, and I presume Muslim at that, would consider marriage to a woman who already has children. Just out of curiosity are you older than he is? That would be the third strike if we were comparing the relationship to baseball.

Turn and run, don't look back...   and be happy you did.

Cheers,
James    Expat-blog Experts Team

I'm Muslim, and North African (although not Algerian). My advice is based on the fact we share similar cultures, and needless to say Religion. I know exactly what happens in these countries in that region. Some of my own family members do it too, and in fact regularly ask me to find anyone, and I literally mean anyone, for them to get "married" too until they obtain the British Passport! And some are married mind you! They are simply looking for a bridge. And they want me to play my part. No chance. As I don't believe in temporary marriages/marriages of convenience. They seem to think it's acceptable to lie to achieve this goal, even more so if the woman is non-Muslim. I personally know quite a number of North Africans who originally came to this country via a spouse visa, and have since remarried to a woman from their own culture, after obtaining their citizenship. Some actually brought their original wife over, to add insult to injury.

XB23 wrote:

I'm Muslim, and North African (although not Algerian). My advice is based on the fact we share similar cultures, and needless to say Religion. I know exactly what happens in these countries in that region. Some of my own family members do it too, and in fact regularly ask me to find anyone, and I literally mean anyone, for them to get "married" too until they obtain the British Passport! And some are married mind you! They are simply looking for a bridge. And they want me to play my part. No chance. As I don't believe in temporary marriages/marriages of convenience. They seem to think it's acceptable to lie to achieve this goal, even more so if the woman is non-Muslim. I personally know quite a number of North Africans who originally came to this country via a spouse visa, and have since remarried to a woman from their own culture, after obtaining their citizenship. Some actually brought their original wife over, to add insult to injury.

Wow! That's all I can say here... except thank you for your courage and candor in making this statement. If this doesn't convince a lot of people that playing with matches only gets you burned, nothing will. This has got to be one of the best posts I've seen.

Cheers,
James        Expat-blog Experts Team

Thankyou for you reply! He's 27. His visa into France is apparently easy for him to get as long as he can pay the £6,000 for the studies! The most I read the advice given from everyone that has given me advice it's more than clear that his intentions are just for money!!
If he was serious he would get married anywhere but he says he has a plan for France and to study and marry me there....lol don't worry I will RUN for the hills and move forward lol I will go to Tunis hey it's booked it will be a Holiday for me to soak up some sun. 

Thank you, yes he has shown me all the paper work for his studies and exactly what he's applying for and he's saved £3,000 working in his shop but asked me to help him with the rest. I am so confused with his intentions as I want to support him but at the same time if I did would he then do runner lol. We talk everyday about everything and hes always telling me that he wants me to be his wife. Maybe it is just words I don't know. 

He's scamming you silly... poor girl

Pretty in pink wrote:

Thank you, yes he has shown me all the paper work for his studies and exactly what he's applying for and he's saved £3,000 working in his shop but asked me to help him with the rest. I am so confused with his intentions as I want to support him but at the same time if I did would he then do runner lol. We talk everyday about everything and hes always telling me that he wants me to be his wife. Maybe it is just words I don't know. 

How much more convincing do you need !!
Whether the amount is 3000,30,000 or 300,000 he is scamming you.

Take note of what XB23 has posted. 

Bail out, don't spend anymore time, money or effort on him and get on with your life.

I'm here only asking for £200. Oh why not my dear? Because I'm a stranger? Fair enough. I understand that. But in reality, what exactly is he to you? Isn't he also a stranger, one that you met on holiday in a foreign country, and decided to keep in touch with? And now realizing it appears to be a potentially expensive mistake with the amount of money he is requesting and that you must marry in France? And instead of making the only obvious decision, there is only ever one, not like he has left you with another, you appear to be unsure of what to do next. You might be reluctant to let go because of the time you've invested in this relationship, or because of your own personal circumstances that for whatever reason, might lead you to stick with it... but you made the mistake to continue with it from the moment he asked for support, refused your suggestion to get married in Tunisia, didn't believe your response that the amount was too much and rubbished it off as simply not wanting to help him, and clearly wasn't interested in anything other than helping him get to France. Come on, is this what you deserve? If I was treating you like that here, would you continue with me? Of course not. You made the mistake of not ending it sooner. You're making another mistake to waste even more time with it. If you enjoy being used and taken advantage of, and later on dumped when no longer needed, then continue with it.

I've met people in a similar situation. A situation that has an obvious answer, staring us all in the face, but they don't take it. When I ask them why don't they just let go and move on with their life as they are being used, and clearly not wanted, to be frank, it was basically their desperation in settling down with someone, so that when someone does come along, they don't want to waste this opportunity, as they fear another one won't pass by, even if that someone isn't the type of person they would usually pick. Now if this is how you felt about this relationship, please know that many men out there, as well as women, especially in the developing world, are totally aware of this, and exploit it to the fullest. Don't allow whatever situation you have, to let you resort to that. It never ends well.

If I were you I'd seriously consider XB23's advice. That's all I will type.

Thankyou all for taking the time to reply. I ended it and will move on so glad I did. And I actually feel good. Thankyou x

You might receive calls, texts, and other forms of contact, asking what's going on, what happened to you, why you're being like this, and what have they done to you to make you leave. And other possible attempts to guilt-trip you. As tempting as it is to respond back, you really need to ignore it all. It's not going to be easy, but with time, it will. You might even start to feel 'guilt' at ending it with him for not a 'good' reason, and might even blame yourself for not 'understanding', but you need to ignore that too. Don't make the mistake of those who finished it, only to end up back with them after continuing contact. It's not difficult to convince someone to remain in it. For your own sake, please do not resume contact. You're lucky you realized something was wrong before you gathered together cash to give him and take him to France, and decided to talk about it on here. You did the right thing. Hopefully you will do the right thing again by blocking off all contact.

Take care.

Hi Pretty in pink,

Unless you're a collector and have a substantial library, most people when they finish reading a book close it, and pass it along to someone else.

Consider this online relationship (if you can call it a relationship) just like a book, close it, don't open it again, and pass it along to someone else, anyone else... and be glad you've done so.

If you receive any further messages simply don't open them. You may even consider blocking his messages completely. Even in a moment of weakness don't think of trying to rekindle things.

In the lyrics of the beautiful song "You can't go back (to what it never was)" by Sissel, pay particular attention to the most important part that I've highlighted in red - it's oh so very true.   WATCH VIDEO

Sissel - Can't Go Back
Alf Bretteville-jensen

Girl don´t be sad
You know what you´re not missing
No reason to feel bad
He don´t mean much with his kisses

You´re going to make it through
You have always been surviving
I´ve got faith in you
And I know you´ll get it going

But you can´t go back
to what it never was
to repossess, what you never owned
But you can´t go back
to what it never was
This is that time, this is that time
when you´re better off alone

Girl don´t you see
There´s nothing more to see there
You´ve got a friend in me
And I will always be here

And you know it won´t be long
Until it´s all behind you
You will meet someone
Someone´s bound to find you

But you can´t go back
to what it never was
to repossess, what you never owned
But you can´t go back
to what it never was
This is that time, this is that time
when you´re better off alone

Even alone at night
You will be alright
You´re so strong - you will get over him
And there will be times
That I´ll expect these lines
Not to comfort - but remind you

But you can´t go back

Cheers, good luck and God bless,
James        Expat-blog Experts Team

So sweet Thankyou so much! Ive closed it don't worry I will be ok x

Thank you

Read this thread that was posted recently, to get an idea of how we generally think, a good example for you, regarding marriage involving a foreigner with children, although it's posted on the Morocco forum, it's relevant due to the same culture/religion:

https://www.expat.com/forum/viewtopic.p … 13#2681891

"She advised him to find a younger woman, no children, Muslim and Moroccan preference."

I would say it's exactly the same in Algeria, with obviously Algerian being the preference.

The situation on that thread is different. He doesn't need a way out of his country, so his mother is telling him to get rid of her. In your case, he does need something from you, so the family are happy to allow it, until the goal is achieved. In reality, they have never truly accepted it, and never will.

James, out of curiosity---why would it be so taboo or out of the norm for an Algerian Muslim to  want to marry a woman with children? Nowadays, so many men never hang in for the long term, so finding a woman past 30 with no children will not be easy task. Would that really be a "deal-breaker" as far as the test for honest relationship goes?

irenejnv wrote:

James, out of curiosity---why would it be so taboo or out of the norm for an Algerian Muslim to  want to marry a woman with children? Nowadays, so many men never hang in for the long term, so finding a woman past 30 with no children will not be easy task. Would that really be a "deal-breaker" as far as the test for honest relationship goes?

Not just Algerians. The norm in North Africa & Middle East (probably elsewhere too) is to marry a younger woman without children, and preferably never married.

There might be very very rare instances whereby an Algerian sincerely accepts an older woman with children. But they will have a very tough time convincing their family to give them the green light. And that really matters. Without genuine family approval, and by that is it's not a marriage for immigration purposes, things won't work out. So the problem is finding someone who isn't in it for ulterior motives, which is difficult as it is, and to make things more difficult, having to then get their family on side, when there are suitable single childless Algerian girls available. Not easy at all.

Oh and if you hear any nonsense such as the girls there not being suitable for them, don't have the "right" mentality or whatever excuses as to why they "don't" want to marry an Algerian, and would prefer an outsider, please ignore all of that. I've heard it many times! It's quite pathetic actually, and just used to convince a foreigner that they want them instead. Don't pay attention to it.

I do agree with XB23 although there are some exceptions to the rule.......off hand I can think of  about 4 ex-pats living here in dz who have children from previous relationships they go back to the UK to see them sometimes,one even brought her son over to live with her and her Algerian husband,her son is 18,but don't know how her husbands family view this...another ex-pat  friend is actually the 1st wife of a man who has a 2nd wife,they all live in the same house,the 2nd wife is his previous Algerian fiancé !!! So although I agree that many Algerians have the intention of getting a western passport through marriage to a westerner,not all men have bad intentions..I don't want women to think all Algerians are the same...

In life, there will always always be exceptions. The ones you mentioned, you admit you don't know what her husbands family think of it, and the other example, she is a co-wife. I would of been interested to hear an older woman with kids, married to a younger Algerian, who moved to her country, and have remained married for many years post-citizenship. That sort of exception. Quite frankly I haven't came across that before. Well actually I have, but different. The woman complaining that her husband has abandoned her once he was granted residency. Or that he is always away, his attention elsewhere, and basically up to no good! Surprise surprise. I agree not all Algerian men have bad intentions, and no-one on this thread has implied that, but I for one, believe the vast majority of Arab men from any country who marry an older woman with kids, DO have BAD intentions! Don't believe me... have you noticed you never hear of any Arab men already living in the West, getting married to older women with kids? Forget about older, even similar age, but a single mother. Hmm. Why not? Says it all really! Why is it only the ones living in their own country showing "interest"?? Why don't those in the West show the same interest as their fellow compatriots?? We all know why. It's difficult to be granted a work permit. So it's no surprise they are resorting to other routes to gain entry (spouse visa), with the main intention is to come and work. Do you think they would get "married" if they were able to obtain a work permit? So no wonder those Algerians the Westerners are in a relationship with aren't exactly working in professions that are in high demand.

@ Pretty in pink > I think that everything has been said here and the members have already helped you out with your query.

So, can we please close this thread now?

Do note that concerning marriage, we are only apt to help about formalities. Discussing private affairs are not relevant according to the Expat.com laws.

Thank you for reverting back to me please,

Priscilla