Sad valentine story: dating a Chinese girl as foreigner

i am so suprised about your courage for your love and see can you love her so much .however ,if someone love you she will do best to be together .as chinese parents if the man love their daughter and treat her well .they do not care where they from unless you are much older than her .anyway good luck but it is hard to fix and it depens on your girl.if she love you and she would never leave you .

Don't worry, there are more than 500 millions girls in China. U have a good intention to marry her, not just f**kin' around. If she can't apreciate Ur good proposal of life. Please give that chance for another girls out there.. I saw so many chinese girls around me, they're kind, beautiful... Just they're not as lucky as Ur girlfriend. They're unwanted... Don't give up, follow Ur heart.. If she's worthed, fight for her... If she's not, it's not the end of the world. U know what to do.. So many girls out there deserves for real man and to be loved. Don't give up, and good luck

i do agree with you

My friend 12 years in China. Chinese lady never fall inlove only one reason, money. If you have money she will be crazy love to control every thing from you, so up to you.

Parents are the most important difficult in a chinese family, especially that with only one child. If that girl is the only child of her parents, then it is a problem.

Good story, although I would not call it sad (at least not yet). I'm definitely not an expert on the subject. But ...
If you're serious about her, learning Chines was a good step, but far from enough. 3 years is a long time. Have you met her parents before? Have you tried to openly discuss your intention and their thoughts and concerns about it? Talk to your girlfriend openly and try to figure out her thoughts (if the girl is smart enough - you will never ever be able to 100% read her mind , thus do not fool yourself). At the same time do not expect her to give you a complete road-map .
Asking of such advice here - is waste of time as the least. You are already making a mistake by looking for "Asian girl expert"! (there are a cultural differences - yes, there are a certain ways of thinking - yes, but most people are the same no matter which country we're from). You're trying to generalize your relations with her? A mistake (in this case you should forget her and follow Bella_Shu's advice (which is absurd anyway)).
If you really love her - stock yourself up with more patience and follow your heart (not brain ).
Personal relations are very sensitive and usually very unique and fragile matter, where even smallest thing might matter most. Asking people on the forum for a help with it - is like: "I made my own herbal-tea, using following ingredients. Can someone tell me if would taste good?". Sure I can tell (without knowing all tiny details, proportions etc.)...

Bella_Shu: sorry but your advice would be in my "Top 100 most ridiculous advices". Although based on the language you're using - you would be even banned from that "Top 100". And Aromaza would follow the lead.

Sad but short version...she found a guy with MORE MONEY. Love does NOT have the same meaning here as it does everywhere else, simply because Marriage is a business contract nothing more. Girls are an asset for the family and they want to sell her to the highest bidder, has nothing to do with where you're from (well unless you come from a MAJOR country that her family would like to move to). If the 'family' disapproves of you in anyway then it means 1. you're not rich enough and they think she can catch someone better or 2. your country isn't what they would consider 'moving up' in the world.

Love and marriage aren't related here and will never be connected- so no matter how much you love her, she's not going to go back to you.

There's plenty of good points up here, I'm in a similar situation, but we're still together. Money is an issue even if they they say it is not. More often than not our problem revolves around them, and in the past I've never been in a relationship that revolves around money so much. Besides that China was poor in the past, living aids and pensions are low, living cost is low, so one can understand that it will always be a hot topic even in a relationship. If you have problems in China, you probably are suffering (at least to what I believe). And yes most of my mature chinese girl friends admit it that it is most of the Chineses' concern.

The Chineses' values are probably different than your values too, so unless you understand their values and she understands yours, it will be a bit tough. I don't believe love should be only about you giving away your values. You should both be on the same ship, understand, and both be doing their efforts, sacrifices and chosing the best for both. Dreaming is good, but make sure these dreams can be realized. Also you probably know there's several issues including nationality. Chinese can never be separated from China. They will return often with their family and they don't have dual citizenship, so it's very hard for them to move out without refusing their nationality (Besides that if they are in a single child policy situation, they will probably be considering taking care of their parents)

In any case, one stupid think i learned is that the more you make it easier to your gf, or the more helpful you are, the eisier is to leave you, and the harder it is for you in the future. Don't make them depend on you when they can depend on themselves. Some one off nice gestures is ok but don't make it a habit.

Gifts are important too, but I make it a point with the statement above. Don't make them get used to them.

Also there are other issue, such as population proportion. Females are slightly possesive, because it's harder for a man to find a female in China than other places probably. It affects how they see relationships, as female being harder to get in China so they are expecting more. Although this is a bit old minded, there's still traces of it around.

Reading you post though makes me feel I'm not the only one in a crazy relationship like this, and yes I made most of the mistakes above (my opinion that they are mistakes), I'm just trying to remedy about them slowly hoping for the best. In your case, speak to her, don't look desperate, and value your relationship and understand if it's going to bring you good or not before going forward (use both your heart and you brain ... ALWAYS!!!).

It has been nearly one month since you posted this thread here. I hope you have won back her heart, and if not, forgotten about her and moved on. I agree with someone here, who said your question is like asking people online whether your tea tastes good. I felt weird when my friend asked me what I would do in his girl's shoes. I am not a bug inside her brain, so how can I think for her? Please give yourself a time limit. If this girl does not come back to you, forget her.

Oh my word. I'm not Chinese but if I had a boyfriend like you that would go to those lengths to be with me then I would say yes to your proposal. No man has ever even tried to look at my first language or try and learn it. I'm in china and I sometimes miss talking Afrikaans(my first language) even if it is just a how was your day or good morning. She is lucky having someone like you. But if she doesn't want you then her loss. You sound like a great man and there are many woman out there that would love someone like you for the rest of their live.

To the person who wrote,."Don't worry, there are 500 million Chinese women to choose from"...NOT....remember all the atrocities of the 50;s and 60's where male babies were prized over female babies.  In many cases the female baby once born, tended to disappear.  Now...there are 20 million more males in China than females.  . Women are in the power position now and as a result, can pretty well demand anything they want.  Good luck my friend and remember.....you are now competing with 20 million males for the hand of your lady.   Perhaps you may be better off to find a European Lady that fits your criteria.....Laurence

I can see how much you care for this lady ( and perhaps your deep feeling for her ) Trust that I understand your situation.
What you need to do is to look at things from a long term point of view and not short term as you have suggested ...you have had a great time with that lady when you visited her. Surely, a decent lady will not behave this way,
Now you are left with 2 issues : 1. Her parents are not happy about her marrying a foreigner. 2. Her attitude is very poor. This lady. is not worth trying to live in Shenzhen. This lady is not worth trying hard to get a job in Shenzhen. There are good quality ladies in China who can give you a better outcome than this lady. There are many parents of other ladies who can welcome you with arms. IN SHORT ! FORGET ABOUIT THIS LADY and move on !

.

lukapuka wrote:

Good story, although I would not call it sad (at least not yet). I'm definitely not an expert on the subject. But ...
If you're serious about her, learning Chines was a good step, but far from enough. 3 years is a long time. Have you met her parents before? Have you tried to openly discuss your intention and their thoughts and concerns about it? Talk to your girlfriend openly and try to figure out her thoughts (if the girl is smart enough - you will never ever be able to 100% read her mind , thus do not fool yourself). At the same time do not expect her to give you a complete road-map .
Asking of such advice here - is waste of time as the least. You are already making a mistake by looking for "Asian girl expert"! (there are a cultural differences - yes, there are a certain ways of thinking - yes, but most people are the same no matter which country we're from). You're trying to generalize your relations with her? A mistake (in this case you should forget her and follow Bella_Shu's advice (which is absurd anyway)).
If you really love her - stock yourself up with more patience and follow your heart (not brain ).
Personal relations are very sensitive and usually very unique and fragile matter, where even smallest thing might matter most. Asking people on the forum for a help with it - is like: "I made my own herbal-tea, using following ingredients. Can someone tell me if would taste good?". Sure I can tell (without knowing all tiny details, proportions etc.)...

Bella_Shu: sorry but your advice would be in my "Top 100 most ridiculous advices". Although based on the language you're using - you would be even banned from that "Top 100". And Aromaza would follow the lead.

well, U are Living in The country With 1 Bio populations dude!! All U need to do just wash Ur face, look at the mirror, then move on!! If The Subject who start this thread as good as he's been told... Don't worry, there's a gem that waiting for Him out there...

Is there anything sadder than unrequited love.....Man....get over it....I dont feel sad for you, I think its time to get back to more important topics.....If I want to see anymore of this soap opera, Ill buy a True Confessions Magazine...

Ｔｈｅｒｅ　ａｒｅ　ｎｏ　ｒｅａｓｏｎｓ　ｆｏｒ　ｄｏｉｎｇ　ａｎｙｔｈｉｎｇ　ｗｈｅｎ　ｙｏｕ　ｄｅｅｐｌｙ　ｌｏｖｅ　ｓｏｍｅ　ｏｎｅ．　Ｉ　ｕｎｄｅｒｓｔａｎｄ　ｙｏｕ　！

There seem to be a lot of responses, since this was initially posted. By everybody BUT the initial poster...
I'm just curious how this worked out for them? If your still around, can you give us an update?

Also, I'm a bit confused about the 'male to female ratio problem in China'... dating services say, that "women outnumber men in China". (Hence, China's alleged 'Leftover Women' problem, etc.)
But, 'axemenbasketball' seems to be stating that the opposite is the truth...
So, which is it? (I tend to believe his version is correct. As, most dating sites are notoriously dishonest.)

R_Mortisse wrote:

Also, I'm a bit confused about the 'male to female ratio problem in China'... dating services say, that "women outnumber men in China". (Hence, China's alleged 'Leftover Women' problem, etc.)
..... As, most dating sites are notoriously dishonest.)

As you said, dating services lie, and that is a big one.

China has a massive shortfall of females to males because of a really silly political policy of some years ago that penalised couples that had more than one child. As boys were seen as preferable, female infanticide became common so there are many more males than females. That's why there's so much wife trafficking into China at the moment.