Desperate expat housewives

No doubt, this is hard especially if you have been busy and involved before.  The sudden dependency I have found difficult as well, financial and emotional.

Definitely the internet world helps between SKYPE, blogging and some forums you can keep in touch with a larger world. 

What I have done to cope is learn the language FAST although it can never be fast enough, and I have a bonus in my kids, the school is an instant group of people to at least say hello to.  I have also gotten some part-time work as an English teacher so I have some contact with people I can talk to.  Got a dog too, gets me out of the house. 

The other big problem is the the stay at home partner and the working partner are on different schedules, they get home and you want to talk, or go out.  They are tired and have been out all day and talking all day and want to stay in and have some peace.

Loads of empathy on both sides and time.

Internet helps a lot.

When we were considering whether to make the move to Germany, I was very concerned about being a Trailing Spouse and all the mental health issues that can arise from being in this situation.  I had a great social network where we were living and am the type of person who doesn't enjoy going out alone all that much.  I was afraid that if I came here with nothing of my own to do, I would stay in all day and rot and become depressed.  We decided that if we couldn't find something for me to do with myself, we wouldn't move.  Luckily, my husband's boss hooked me up with another scientist, who knew about a part-time grad program I could do in a subject I had wanted to study, and offered me part-time work in his research group.  So, we moved.  Although I am still a Trailing Spouse, as it was he who originally wanted to come here, I have been able to find something that makes me feel like I belong here as well.

It was still difficult at first because classes didn't start until two months after we arrived, and getting a work permit went very slowly, so I didn't start working until three and a half months after we arrived.  I grew up in a small town so I'm pretty good at entertaining myself and it didn't go too badly, but I didn't get out enough, for sure.  The blog was a good project for me during that time, and the freshness and newness of everything kept my mind occupied.

The financial dependence is still a little bit bothersome to me, but I've become used to it.  Although I work part time, that's a very small amount of money and most of our income comes from my husband.  I have always been in charge of budgeting and it felt a little wrong for me to continue to be in charge of this when I wasn't even contributing anything.  Finances have been a huge issue for us, but we expected that and were prepared...not that it isn't occasionally frustrating!

Another big frustration for me was that so much had to be done through my husband as he could speak the language and I could not, so on top of having to do all these crappy chores, I had to nag at the tired out guy after work to do more stuff.  It sucked.  That said, we are past the worst of it as we are largely sorted out, and my language skills have gotten to where I can handle most things...it wasn't fun though we were in fact lucky that he could speak the language, it would have been more frustrating if he hadn't been able to.

Great topic. It looks I'm heading down this road - an eventuality as both my husband and I want more for our kids than Malaysia/KL has to offer education-wise. Part of me would just LOVE to be the stay at home mum, but I've done that during my extended maternity leave and we both agreed that my temperament and ego (haha) were not suited for it! I do breakfast radio and have done so for 10 years and earning well and contributing to the fam., so being completely dependent on my hubby, despite the pay increase he'll be getting if he accepts the job offer in Switzerland, will be VERY weird. I think I'll get depressed. And bored. And resentful.

But I want to experience this! That's the bizarre thing! I think I'm more excited about moving there than he is (he's Swiss). I'm just scared.

We visited Switzerland and I fell head over heels in love with the place. I had a hard time communicating but I figure...throw me in the deep end and we'll see. My kids really should experience the other half of their cultural heritage.

Here's sometihng though, I'm embarassed to admit. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, but here it is...I'm worried about being an Asian woman in Europe. Dumb, I know. It's just, in KL being with a white guy is no big deal, but I'm wondering how Europeans perceive Asian woman married to European men. I'd be paranoid that people would think I was the nanny. *grin* Or a mail-order-bride! 

Any thoughts, Julien? Anyone? Say I'm an idiot!

KL, what you think about the Asian women married to a European/White man, is the same as we (Africa oriented) married to White guys. People think we just wanted the "white to be up socially". Stupid, right?
You'll just have to be strong to that one, and hope the neighbourhood will be clever enough

Oh well, I could be a housewife principally because I write and the whole world is my desk. I'd get less desperate than oters as I am technically a bit agoraphobic!

KLwifey, I will NEVER say you're an idiot. You shouldn't worry too much about your difference. I think (I should say "I hope") most of the people are open minded in Europe.

Personally, I would be very proud of being in love with somebody culturally different from me

Julien >>> That's cause you're openminded and you are convinced about the fact multiculturalism (does that word exist?!) is something very rich, a strong heritage.
I know in almost all African countries, White men with Black/Mixed girls are seen as "Sugar daddies". The men want exotism and the girls want a better life. Being seen with a white guy is something that pulls up socially. They want to leave their countries.
Of course, not all do that for the money or expatriate condition. There really is love in their couples. But "others" are "others"....

I really wish more people were like you, Julien!

I dunno...I guess this is my *issue*...I just have to get over it. I didn't feel this way when I was living in the US, or Canada. And I don't think it would be an issue if we were moving to another English speaking country, because *talking*/communicating (in English or Malay) is obviously a BIG part of what I do and Who I am...and it doesn't help, does it, feeling like an idiot when you can't communicate effectively in the language of the place you're at. I feel really incapacitated when I can't speak! So much so, I become introverted, sulky, clingy and make my poor husband do everything (as Oreneta mentioned earlier)...! I hate feeling/being that way, but there it is...

I totally hear you, Jo Ann! There are soooo many mixed race couples in KL it's considered normal, but there are always people who look at you and pass judgement. It's sad. 

White man, white woman.  But I'm younger… And as usual people think I'm looking for a dad and he's looking for his youth. Never easy for any couple, Jo Ann !
I'm a kind of desperate expat housewife too, doing voluntary work but it's not like a real (paid) job with responsibilities. I really like it but I can't get of out my mind that it's a job for housewife, not a real, serious one (sorry !). I spent a lot of my time alone ( at home : cooking, reading and  so on, or outside walking, swimming….), feeling lonely because we live in a very small town, living through my husband and looking for a good job somewhere else so this time HE can follow me…!

Fleur de Lotus >>> I know it's not easy for any couple. Now imagine a young Black (or non White) girl with an older White man...
Wish you luck!

I know you're right and that it's much worse for mixed race couples !
It's a shame but to be honest, I also have prejudices against mixed couples sometimes. It's because I live in Asia and I see o lot of young girls with ugly old white men. When I was a teacher, I saw many french old men coming to register for French courses their future wife (met 2 weeks ago, speaking neither English nor French, wishing for a better life). Some of them are ok and kind but most of them are only old perverts.
One of my students is now in Montpellier by the way! Hope she's happy.
I know the majority of mixed race couples are real, mature and in love couples. And even here (in Asia) there are beautiful “mixed race” love stories. My apologies to you and all those couples…

I have to admit I too have prejudice some times against mixed couples... Its a shame coming from a Mixed girl like me... But so many girls back in Angola fall into bed with guys that don't have a clue either... For the girls, it's the hope of a marriage... for the guys, so exotic.
So I totally agree with you!

Love this trail of conversation.

Well, I left my Europe to live and get married to a South African. And it wasn't easy. I never worked for the 10 years I lived there. I mean paid work.

At the time we had no computer at home. No Skype. Nada Nothing....
I started by learning English. That took me a few years. I then studied, took weird cheap courses.... I just was desperate to make friends.... had 2 more children.... then I studied Kinesiology and started to have friends... school outings... I just got involved in everything I could.

KL, I still feel like I cannot communicate properly. Even in my home language. I just feel like I am complete crap in communication, so I just practice, and I will get there. And still I get sulky, clingy..... ah your post... just reminds me so much of myself.

My husband is from British descent, so a bit European, but we are miles apart when it comes to basic thoughts. It took me a long time to get used the South African way. A real culture shock.

I am working now. Missing in a way the time I used to be at home and look after my children. And in another way I am happy to work, because I will have had to really make efforts since we moved here. A bit of a catch 22 situation.

Jo Ann, please say hi to Montpellier from me. My parents have a house in Pompignan, as a kid I used to spend some fabulous holidays there.

Francine

I came to Rome just out of college to teach at an international school for one year. I was alone, unattached, young, just out to see a bit of the world and everything was interesting and exciting. Then I stayed another 6 months, and ended up staying. 26 years later, I am still here with an Italian husband, kids and a rabbit. I have worked full and parttime and not at all at various moments. In the end, it has just been a different kind of life and one that has been right for me.
The language is key, then an interest/passion/activity paid or unpaid as a way to break into another culture head on. A small group of similar expat friends is so important for support and a good laugh every now and then to diffuse the tension.
best to all desperate expat housewives!
Elizabeth

Hi everyone, thanks for your thoughts on the mix-marriage thing. I'm overly paranoid, and yes, a little prejudiced myself when it comes down to it (asian woman married to a white man) - otherwise I don't think it would bother me at all - it's just a reflection, isn't it? 
Thank god my hubs is (only) 2 years older than me!!!! I 'console' myself from the potential associated 'stigma' with the fact that I have a graduate degree and actually work for a living, and not mooching off my partner 'for a better life'.
best to all!

Hello there
It's great to read all your stories about mixed relationships and share hardships. I am living in rural Jaoan with my Japanese husband. We are farmers and I teach part time at a little classroom down the road. The language problems we have are really stressing us out at the moment. I can speak Japanese quite well and he English too but we sometimes cannot communicate quicky enough to get our job done well. I have to ask him to repeat things when I don't inderstand and it takes 5 minutes to understand his point or question. On a good day this is all just part of being here together. On a bad day it just brings our marriage down...anyone els having similar problems?
love
Sally

Funny that, I've just been off for a couple of day and did  the spring cleaning in the flat and lots of cooking (even some home-made bread). Well also went for a cycle and had lunch with some friends yesterday!
I think I would just hate being a housewife.  I like being at work and have a chat with my colleagues.  My workplace is quite relax and at least i'm not arguing with my man when I'm here!
I remembered being unemployed fro a few months years ago, and all I was doing was waiting from my boyfriend at the time to come back home.  Not pleasant!

Hi! I'm a tag-a-long spouse with no children and no job (yet). I have always worked and am accustomed to being financially independant. I love taking care of my husband though.

  I joined the American Women's Club mainly to to have a place to get advise when I needed it. However, I have found a great group of ladies that I enjoy interacting with on a regular basis.

  I sit at home alone a bit more than I ever have... but I like the peace and quiet. I also have the flexibility to go on business trips to cool new places with my husband.

What occupies my time:
Twitter, Blog, Forum, email my friends and family, work on geneology, read, bead, cook and hunt for Bagels : )

I'm glad you started this forum. Thank you. It is giving me a few beginning stepping stones to work from. I am seriously thinking of picking up and moving me and my daughter to The Netherlands my love for a Dutch man : )

Does anyone know a group that I could email or blog with regarding americans living in the netherlands? I have tons of questions......

Try the expat forum Netherlands

thanks! sorry, i saw that after i posted. i am still trying to get familiar with this site.

Is there any desperate expat housewife in Mauritius!!! would like to meet at least one who's in the situation like me...

Hi Platel,

I am writing from St Petersburg Russia... around 70+ degrees latitude north, but not too far longitudinally!  I see you were born on my birthday... I am 66 and you are 33! 

Take steps each day to get active where you live ... visit a church, stop by the hospital, smile and talk with the locals... and ask everybody if they know of other expats like you.

With the wonderful climate, friendly people, and good food you will be stepping out a lot very soon!

cararose1977 wrote:

Hi! I'm a tag-a-long spouse with no children and no job (yet). I have always worked and am accustomed to being financially independant. I love taking care of my husband though.

Quite the same here!
But I think I will not look for a job (too hard in this economy, and fortunately my husband's position here is a good one), so I'd love to do some volunteering.

oreneta wrote:

No doubt, this is hard especially if you have been busy and involved before.  The sudden dependency I have found difficult as well, financial and emotional..

That's very true. I guess the most difficult thing for me is to shop with my husband's money. It's Ok when it's something for both of us, such as food or detergent. But when it comes to something more "personal", such as cosmetics, well that's another story.

oreneta wrote:

The other big problem is the the stay at home partner and the working partner are on different schedules, they get home and you want to talk, or go out.  They are tired and have been out all day and talking all day and want to stay in and have some peace.

I feel frustrated when I spend a whole day not speaking to anybody.
I was a teacher, so I spent all day speaking, and now... that's another story! I hardly have anyone to speak with (and writing on the internet is not like actually "saying" words...

Jo Ann wrote:

Julien >>> That's cause you're openminded and you are convinced about the fact multiculturalism (does that word exist?!) is something very rich, a strong heritage.
I know in almost all African countries, White men with Black/Mixed girls are seen as "Sugar daddies". The men want exotism and the girls want a better life. Being seen with a white guy is something that pulls up socially. They want to leave their countries.
Of course, not all do that for the money or expatriate condition. There really is love in their couples. But "others" are "others"....

Am not yet married but during my ventures abroad, US and France( more France where i stayed for a year) i didnt date guys precisely bcos of the attitude back home here.he wouldn't be accepted and others would think its bcos i wanna climb the social ladder.i know i shouldnt have taken it out on them, ie, the guys i met who liked me and i liked in return however, my dignity was at stake here. am currently dating a British born Ghanaian and despite his colour hes considered back here foreigner, "white" although hes not!!!!!!!!! buh its easier to deal with  than if he really was white skinned!!!!!!!!!

Desperate expate housewife.. It took me more than a year to get used to this housewife thing, still I haven't been completely adapted. Spending a great quantity of time on internet, I feel more like a student rather than a housewife...

Hi! I am a desperate housewife in South Korea. I am looking for friends who speak English or Spanish. All the people I met never returned my calls:(

One more thing! I know how you guys feel. I am in the same situation with the difference that I am still paying my part of the bills (mortgage, car, etc) with my savings and buying my personal things with my own money. Thus he only contributes with the food, because the apartment is paid by his boss. What I don't like is that sometimes he feels he is doing me a favor, like if he was really supporting me, when in reallity I came here to be with him. Sometimes, when I get mad or depressed I think that I could be working and saving more money back in the States einsted of being here doing nothing. The problem is that we'll be separated. We have been married for 2 and a half years (no children yet). Last thing: we are also a multiracial couple, and yes, he is 10 years older than me. But I never felt that people would think that I was trying to improve my social status. I've always been a hard working woman; therefore, I never had financial problems like him. That's why we are here. And yes, I secretely blame everything on him sometimes.

It was very interesting reading all the blogs. As an expat, I can see mirrored all the phases I went through each time me and my significant other moved country.
The normality of each day's challenges is boring to relate, but they re-occur, no matter whether you are with someone or alone, wherever you are in the world. I suddenly woke up one day and thought - "You take yourself with you", you can't escape being who you are, except that I decided I could do something about it.

Each day we are the architects of our future - see Paul Coelho's books - he has helped me over some wild lonely times.
At the end of each day notice what went right, what was an achievement however small. At the beginning of the next day have goals or decide to have none and live with that decision.
Also laughter is the best medicine!

Foreign countries are very interesting but also very frustrating places to live in...flexibility is one key - please suggest what helped you. All sorts of solutions are possible and permissable - its what works for you that matters, isn't it?

When I was in Singapore one of my friends from Chili came with his wife. She could not find a job and was so bored she decided to go back to Chili. Idle time is simply dead.

hi, i am from San diego, Califorinia in the USA. met a wonderful woman online and after a few months of knowing each other, we fell in love. now she's Irish, but lives in China. She flies to America JUST TO VISIT ME! ten Glorious days. some sight seeing, but mostly we stayed "in". we said we weren't going to be sad at the airport , but she cried and i wanted to. An hour later she calls me. thank god for Flight delays and interconnecting lay overs! i went back and picked her up from the airport. saw her and started running ... i couldn't slow down fast enough and we toppled over slowly, in each other's arms. we laughed , as i'm sure everyone else did. ONE more night! we didn't sleep.
two months later we could not bare the sepparation any more. i came to China. now i am looking for work and have become "a desperate houseman". i make it a point to go out and interact with people, anyone! i am struggling to learn Chinese, but they have a different word for everything! THEN THERE ARE THOSE CHARACTERS.... stick figures. but i have street magic! i have made alot of friends on the street .....Rickshaw drivers, merchants, waitresses, and kids. they love magic. i will not become a shut in. i play the piano at the local coffee house and keep busy.
i want to stay a bit longer .... love stories don't have endings. and this one has just begun.

I'm a housewife who just moved into KL 5 month ago from Canada, lil bit bored no friends, no activity only groceries, cooking, watching movies & waiting for my hubby come home from work. I'll be happy if I've baby but don't have one yet hopefully soon coz we both keep practicing for 4 yrs. Not easy to find a friend who connect or click with you but I hope I find one some place, one day. My hubby travelling a lot so it make me very lonely & need some one to hang out with, having a coffee or shopping together, do woman things.

I used to have kenyan friend, who used to accompany his wife here.He did try to find a job, for two yrs with no luck but in the mean time he was taking a french class,here in addis ababa ethiopi, that where i met him and he was best friend. SO what u could do is be wise to use ur time while away

Hi

I am considering being a teacher in Abu Dhabi. My husband will be with me, what do spouses do?

Hi, I've been an expat wife approximately 5 years now which is ever since we got married. I'm used to my independence as I had an accounting job before I resigned to travel with my husband. His contracts are usually renewable 6mth contracts which is why it's been about 14 countries in 5 years. I've almost completed my masters and the plan was that after completion we'd settle down so that I can start working again. Now that time is drawing near he's changing the plans. His salary is super sweet as a telecoms engineering contractor that his new plan now is to continue doing the travelling for the next 10-20 years to save enough to retire early at 40-50. If he settles his salary would be half what he's getting now. We have a son who will soon be two years old and will need stability in his life.

Do you think my husband's new plan is wise? Is he being selfish? What's in it for my son and me?

yardiebarbie wrote:

Do you think my husband's new plan is wise? Is he being selfish? What's in it for my son and me?

I really think you guys have to talk together because your little angel will soon have to go to school! and you just can't go on dragging him behind. He might get huge difficulties for his studies if he has to change school every six months! Unless you teach him yourself.

My daughter started self-schooling once she was 12 but it is very hard and the kid needs to be very motivated!