Culture gap on money issue

Nguyen (Moon),

Very well said, communication is the key to keep the relationship stronger, compromise is also best so that both parties are satisfied and there will be less or no misunderstandings at all.

Just my opinion

xoxo
Rona

why do you get embarrass? my viet-gf once insisted she wanted to pay. why not change the stigma and careless about what others think? they're just strangers right?

I give all my money to my wife to handle. Viet guys will drink it away in some shady massage parlour or lose it in a cock fight and than you have to post bail at the Cong an.

Better to let the girl handle the money. Keeps family happy.

khanh44 wrote:

I give all my money to my wife to handle. Viet guys will drink it away in some shady massage parlour or lose it in a cock fight and than you have to post bail at the Cong an.

Better to let the girl handle the money. Keeps family happy.

I like your style Khanh. 

It's always amazed me here.  The women seem to do all the work.  Wherever you go ,women are usually moving and doing things.  The men are usually sitting down, playing cards, smoking or drinking beer or coffee.

Even now, late at night the women are in uniforms sweeping the streets and throwing the rubbish into the trucks.  The guy is sitting down driving the truck though. I can see them from my balcony. It's hilarious.

So is that why the women control the cash because the guys are useless. Seems that way.

As for me , I always  pay everything,  it saves the arguments on who's turn it is to pay. 

Anyhow, may as well enjoy it while you have it.  When was the last time you saw a funeral car towing a trailer.

Rona Fe wrote:

Nguyen (Moon),

Very well said, communication is the key to keep the relationship stronger, compromise is also best so that both parties are satisfied and there will be less or no misunderstandings at all.

Just my opinion

xoxo
Rona

Thanks Rona, hope you can make it to the coming meet-up next Sunday and we will meet.

Nguyet (Moon)

cossmo wrote:

why do you get embarrass? my viet-gf once insisted she wanted to pay. why not change the stigma and careless about what others think? they're just strangers right?

Hi Cossmo

Either you pay or your Viet girl pays the whole bill should be fine. Just, here Dutch share right in front of waitors/ waitresses is for friends only. That's why Viet girls may get embarrased thinking about what is in the waitors/ waitresses' head "oh, they share the bill, they are friends only, of course they are, she is not that hot to get him", something stupid like that happened in our thoughts. Again, it depends on girls but please communicate in advance if you prefer Dutch share.

Warm regards
Nguyet (Moon)

Mmmmm....

So.., if your looking for a cheap night out,  don't date a Dutchman.

A Dutch guy told me the best way to "double your money"  is to fold it in half, and put it back in your pocket.

A western woman offering to pay on a date is a rarity, and so it sound be, if the man is brought up to respect women , this is the way it is.
  I'm the same as Khanh, my wife handles the finances, she gives me an " allowance " every month, but always insists if I want more , to just ask her, but if I want a divorce, I only have to hint about buying a new m/bike, or a boat, now that one really gets her going, and the latest is more land, ( where I want it ), that had her throwing bank books at me last week.
  My relationship with her was almost over before it started, I was to meet her for the first time, and then her family shortly after, and she told me I had to give each of her 4 sisters, ( including the son of one sister who was deceased ),  and 2 brothers a cash gift, but wouldn't say how much, and I had no idea of how much, so it became a sort of cat and mouse game, we eventually settled on 1 mil for each sibling, I still don't know if she was happy with this or not???? but in 2008 you could actually buy something here with 1 mil..

Western woman paying is rather common. Signs of independence.

Yogi007 wrote:

Mmmmm....

So.., if your looking for a cheap night out,  don't date a Dutchman.

A Dutch guy told me the best way to "double your money"  is to fold it in half, and put it back in your pocket.

Hello Moon, I read your post and found it very interesting and good clear advice . Thanks ! 
I am now engaged to a lady in HMC and found it natural to be paying for all meals we shared together and on the occasional time out with her family , I loved the appreciation and good vibes I got back in return , Now Truyen is an independent woman ( but not financial ) we do talk and try to communicate to the best of our understandings and we are happy .
I am going back to Vietnam for another 6 weeks in August to meet with her and enjoy the Vietnamese culture .

Tony

toeknee_em wrote:

Hello Moon, I read your post and found it very interesting and good clear advice . Thanks ! 
I am now engaged to a lady in HMC and found it natural to be paying for all meals we shared together and on the occasional time out with her family , I loved the appreciation and good vibes I got back in return , Now Truyen is an independent woman ( but not financial ) we do talk and try to communicate to the best of our understandings and we are happy .
I am going back to Vietnam for another 6 weeks in August to meet with her and enjoy the Vietnamese culture .

Tony

Hi Tony

Glad things go well with your fiancé and her family, glad you and your finance haven't been in money issue like other couples.

Warm regards
Nguyet (Moon)

cossmo wrote:

Western woman paying is rather common. Signs of independence.

Only recently. But that of course depends on the woman.

bluenz wrote:

cossmo wrote:

Western woman paying is rather common. Signs of independence.

Only recently. But that of course depends on the woman.

yeah you are right, it really all depends on the woman. from observation I find that my generation (30s) typically prefer to take turns in paying or going dutch. the guy paying all the time is considered old fashion. just like the generalisation of women should only cook and clean.

Agree with Moon many things you wrote here, but want to say more:

- If a VIETNAMESE WOMEN want to date with foreigners, she also have to know about their culture, to have suitable actions. You want foreigners because they are open-minded, so you also are the same. Don't ask them do everything for you, give you all their money, but you don't change yourself at all! To live happily with a person who have a diffirent culture, its not easy at all. Try to learn about culture, to reduce arguments! I think, almost foreingers are richer than Vietnamese, because it seems easy for them to earn money here. So, don't ask them give you all their money, it's impossible. Even Vietnamese rich men, I am sure you can't do it! Someone who give you all their money, OR he can't earn so much OR he still has money somewhere that you never can know about!

- If a FOREIGNER wants to date with a Vietnamese girl, and she could earn so much before, because she has to support her family, then let her do her job, even that money is nothing with you. Dont say to her: stay home to take care of me and enjoy time with me all the time! If you want her to spend much time for you, help her to support her family, like she did!

Still have some, but I have to work now .

...........At the Cong An, that sounds interesting .LOL.

DongThanh wrote:

...........At the Cong An, that sounds interesting .LOL.

????

bluenz wrote:

DongThanh wrote:

...........At the Cong An, that sounds interesting .LOL.

????

I reckon she has posted in the wrong thread..
She should have posted it here .....Address for a restaurant

Every girl is different and, of course, families will be 'friendly' if you pay for everything (shock horror!). I do wonder though, if most Vnese men are on low local salaries where do they 'magic up' money to pay for everything for the gf, her sisters and little gifts etc? And . please, they show their 'love' and 'power' by giving the wife all the money. Really? I have dated a couple of VN girls with decent jobs and good english skills. BOTH said they definitely did NOT want me to pay for everything and said it was patronising ( a bit like most western girls would say). And for the contributor who said how easy it is for foreigners to make money here in VN. How do you know that? Plenty of foreigners here in VN are not 'rolling' in money - hence the high amount of foreigners who live in cheap hotels and apartments. Who stays in 12-15 usd a night hotel if you can comfortably afford to stay in a 50-60 usd or more hotel? I do not this fixed thinking that all foreigners have money is helping the VN girls too much in the big picture.. Just my opinion..i may be wrong!

philip983 wrote:

Every girl is different and, of course, families will be 'friendly' if you pay for everything (shock horror!). I do wonder though, if most Vnese men are on low local salaries where do they 'magic up' money to pay for everything for the gf, her sisters and little gifts etc? And . please, they show their 'love' and 'power' by giving the wife all the money. Really? I have dated a couple of VN girls with decent jobs and good english skills. BOTH said they definitely did NOT want me to pay for everything and said it was patronising ( a bit like most western girls would say). And for the contributor who said how easy it is for foreigners to make money here in VN. How do you know that? Plenty of foreigners here in VN are not 'rolling' in money - hence the high amount of foreigners who live in cheap hotels and apartments. Who stays in 12-15 usd a night hotel if you can comfortably afford to stay in a 50-60 usd or more hotel? I do not this fixed thinking that all foreigners have money is helping the VN girls too much in the big picture.. Just my opinion..i may be wrong!

Hey PHIL,

Are you still dating those girls that wanted to pay for things themselves. ??
If not,  do you still have their phone numbers.

philip983 wrote:

And for the contributor who said how easy it is for foreigners to make money here in VN. How do you know that? Plenty of foreigners here in VN are not 'rolling' in money - hence the high amount of foreigners who live in cheap hotels and apartments. Who stays in 12-15 usd a night hotel if you can comfortably afford to stay in a 50-60 usd or more hotel? I do not this fixed thinking that all foreigners have money is helping the VN girls too much in the big picture.. Just my opinion..i may be wrong!

I think you are not wrong that SOME foreigners here even don't have enough money for monthly costs. But if so, just talk to your gf, if she accepts it, she will share with you; if not, I am sure she will find another very soon. Just because we didn't try to share everything together. And sometimes foreigners are charge more expensive than local. Or because you always go to some expensive restaurant that the local girls can't pay for.

For example, I always cook by myself, just sometimes I go to restaurant, because  with my salary, I can't affort it! But if my partner doesn't want to eat at home, how can I do? Let him eat at restaurant, and let him pay for us (even I don't want); or argue with him, that I can't effort it, but because of your wish, I eat at restaurant with you, and you want me to share while I can't?

So, that's why we need to talk! And everyone need to think for another, not only him/herself!

BTW, if you still can affort to stay in a hotel with 12-15$/night, in Vietnam, its not so poor, hahaha ! Because our salary is about 4mils, so we have to rent a room about 1mils-2mils.

Hi Ngatt,
You may be surprised, but Phillip is correct.  There are foreigners here with very little money.
A lot of local people would get a surprise too if they knew the full financial position of foreigners here. 
I've often had guys wanting to borrow money, I've known guys that have slept on the beach to save money, and.....if you lend these guys money you won't get it back.   A lot of the old men are on basic pensions.  There are people here overstaying their Visas because they can't afford the extension fees. I know two guys without passports, they can't afford the renewals.   They are living rough and on handouts from friends that are quickly giving up on them. I've known teachers here only getting enough income to basically pay cheap rent and eat street food.  There are also foreign business owners going backwards and barely making the rent.

It's a good idea to avoid those guys, most of them will end up drinking themselves to death anyway.

As for the "who pays the bill" culture...
I've taken girls on oversea holidays, 5 star hotels, nice restaurants, shopping etc ....and I pay the bill no problem. I have a very good foreign income and I would never expect a girl here on average VN salary to pay.  I enjoy their company and just seeing them enjoying a good  holiday and a few nice things is worth the effort.  Not everything can be judged on money.   Just knowing they appreciate it is enough.

I asked my friend where she would like to go next.. I'm thinking of Bali or Japan.   Guess what, she wants to go to Hue in Vietnam........huh.

Hi Yogi,

I'm not surprise at all, because I met one before, don't have much money, but always  showed to people that he has much money (and yes, always look like a rich man!)... With me, if I don't have money, I will talk to my partner, then we  will try to solve problems together. Trying to hide your financial problem, try to show like a big success man, you can't have a good life in anywhere!

Once, I talked to a foreigner, he went to my university because of intensive course in 1 week, that Vietnamese always think foreigners are richer than them, so even you wear normal clothes, they still think so . And he laughed: look at me, I am rich huh? Hahaha. When I took them around Saigon to buy some gifts, I always tried to bargain everything for them. Because I know, many kind of people in the world...

Anyway, if someone who is native English, and hard-working, and they can save money, I think they have much than many lecturers (with high degree) in Universities here...

😄😄😄
(and yes, always look like a rich man)

And what does a rich man look like. ??

I work in Financial Planning, and some of the wealthiest people look like the average guy.  Have you seen Warren Buffett, possibly the richest American.  He lives in an average house and flies economy class. Doesn't wear designer suits or hang out with the "pretenders "

Another thing , the rich guys didn't get rich by throwing money around.

But being "rich" on paper and balance sheets doesn't mean much if your life is unhappy, and your focused on staying rich instead of enjoying the simple pleasures of life.
Better to feel rich in life's experiences.

That's what I like about Vietnam . People here are always smiling , busy and seem happy.

Yep, money can't buy you happiness or love

Money can buy you happiness and love.

It's just a catchy phrase poor people like to use whenever a rich person fails in life. But you never hear a poor person failing in life in the media because there is just too many.

Happiness and love is subjective and definition varies from person to person.

I think youve missed the point, the common phrase is general and has nothing to do with being poor or rich.

It's funny how life works.
IMO you can't buy good health or time.  Some things can't be cured and a lot of us would like to turn the clock back and re-work some things.  Can't be done though. 

Life's not a dress rehearsal as they say, and none of us are going to get out of this show alive.

When it comes to money and love........who knows?

But money can certainly buy you a lot of playmates.  They may not even like you, but they seem OK to hang out with and tell you what you like to hear.

Just ask all fallen Rockstars, Movie Stars and Sporst people where'd all the backslappers and hangers-on go.  And why.

Pretty twisted outlook. Am sorry for you

khanh44 wrote:

Money can buy you happiness and love.

It's just a catchy phrase poor people like to use whenever a rich person fails in life. But you never hear a poor person failing in life in the media because there is just too many.

Have enough money and still believe this. Sorry you have that attitude. Maybe it's cultural

Ok, not like this topic has not been discussed before.  LOL.  Although I am not Vietnamese, I have many friends and my wife is vietnamese (yes born, raised and educated in Vietnam).  I understand the OP's opinion, but, as others have stated, how does a VN guy pay for everything?  I think it is subjective and based on the economics of the relationship.  All of us are different and generalizing can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements.  I am not disagreeing with the OP, but based on my relationships, there is some truth to it, but it cannot be taken as definitive.  For example, if the guy can pay, sure he usually pays for everything and I do the same here in the USA.  However, depending on your mate, when you do not have the money, how does he or she react?  My wife has no issues paying if i can't pay, not fuss, no complain, no uneasy feelings, she just pulls out the VND, smiles and says, lets gooooooo.  If I try and pay her back later, I get a look like i just committed a sin.  I will never forget the first time i tried to pay her back and she said "if i take your money, i will feel farther away from you".  So you can imagine how that made me feel.

Does she know I will pay?  Of course, but if i am short on cash, she has no problem paying.  What i love about her is that I do not have to ask her many questions, she trust my judgement so when we go on vacation, I decide how we travel, where we stay and what we do.  I can tell you, as a western man, that was probably the biggest cultural difference I had to adjust to.  But when i see how happy she is and really does not want to be bothered with the analysis of flights, travel arrangements, picking hotels, transportation, things to do, I finally understood that she was happy with this arrangement.  Granted, if i chose poorly, I have a big problem. LOL

With respect to meeting her family.   Yes, of course i brought gifts, but it was not because it is a VN custom, it is something I think is normal no matter where you live in the world.  I did not need to read about VN culture, it is what i think is the right thing to do and that is tradition.  Tradition is something that is universal and VN is very traditional.  Thus, for me, it was not that difficult.  I did not buy expensive gifts, i did not give money (only during TET and it was not alot), but asked her what i should bring to the family.  The gifts were simple and really inexpensive.  With the wedding, yes, I bought the gold and spent more than she expected, but it was my choice, not hers.  Actually, she felt guilty and was pretty shy about it, but it was the right choice because i could see it in her face.  The wedding, the same, we discussed the engagement party, the wedding and how we would cover the costs many many times.  She knows that money is a sensitive issue and really we do not talk about it much.  But yes, I paid for the wedding, but it was not alot, even for Vietnam, based on my understand of wedding costs in vietnam.

Based on my life in the USA, I do not find the money issue much different from vietnam during the date period because men still like to pay.  Of course women like to pay as well, but we do not have a problem if we pay alone.  What is different is the payment of the wedding.  Generally, the girl's family pays for all of the wedding.  However, that has changed for many years and many couples end up paying for the wedding because her family cannot afford to pay for it.  I understand that tradition in VN the man pays for everything, but many couples are now paying just like in the USA.  Because i can pay, I paid for the wedding and I have no problem with that because we communicated very well about the wedding, what she wanted and how much i can pay. 

Bottom line, if you are in love, communication is the key to success, as others have stated.  Money should never be an issue.  It has never been an issue for us, even when we disagree.  At the end of the day, she loves me, i love her and all works out in the end.  However, if you have a mate that makes money a problem, you need to take a closer look at your relationship.  I know that no matter what happens between us, if I can't pay, if we can't stay at a 5 star hotel, if we can't have a new motobike, if we can't go out and eat at a nice restaurant, my wife does not care, she just loves to be next to me and I next to her.  We need nothing more.  If you find that, thank God and Buddha.

Yogi007 wrote:

philip983 wrote:

Every girl is different and, of course, families will be 'friendly' if you pay for everything (shock horror!). I do wonder though, if most Vnese men are on low local salaries where do they 'magic up' money to pay for everything for the gf, her sisters and little gifts etc? And . please, they show their 'love' and 'power' by giving the wife all the money. Really? I have dated a couple of VN girls with decent jobs and good english skills. BOTH said they definitely did NOT want me to pay for everything and said it was patronising ( a bit like most western girls would say). And for the contributor who said how easy it is for foreigners to make money here in VN. How do you know that? Plenty of foreigners here in VN are not 'rolling' in money - hence the high amount of foreigners who live in cheap hotels and apartments. Who stays in 12-15 usd a night hotel if you can comfortably afford to stay in a 50-60 usd or more hotel? I do not this fixed thinking that all foreigners have money is helping the VN girls too much in the big picture.. Just my opinion..i may be wrong!

Hey PHIL,

Are you still dating those girls that wanted to pay for things themselves. ??
If not,  do you still have their phone numbers.

Haha - no you cannot have the numbers you randy git lol..I am sure you can meet the ladies easy enough without my help...

suefrankdahl wrote:

khanh44 wrote:

Money can buy you happiness and love.

It's just a catchy phrase poor people like to use whenever a rich person fails in life. But you never hear a poor person failing in life in the media because there is just too many.

Have enough money and still believe this. Sorry you have that attitude. Maybe it's cultural

Money can buy opportunities in VN but not love. Some fellas have not understood (or do not want to believe) that SOME BUT NOT ALL girls only love the money and not the man. SOME men only 'love' the girls because of their physical attractiveness so...ideally, the 'bad' men find the 'bad' girls but, unfortunately, that is often not the case hence the amount of heartache and sad stories we have ALL heard about..

Grrrrrr,  Yogi not happy.

Wouldn't have worked anyway.     Since Yogi can't use a phone (paws are too big for the little numbers)     They would have had to communicate with me by tapping two sticks on a log.

Yabba dabba Doo.

Money will increase your chances of finding love and reduce your chances of getting a divorce or problems in a relationship.

You could buy love with money but than that means the person will love you for the money you bought with. If you want the emotional love than you have to buy it with time and emotion.

Just as many people can point to celebrities that have failed at having money there is just as many relationships that have failed for lack of money.

In the end having a stable long term income stream is more important than having a lot of money.

The only time my gf and I argue about money is when she insists on paying for stuff. I booked a 4 day trip to Phu Quoc for us and the kids. I wanted this to be my treat but she demanded she paid for the accommodation at least even though I had already paid for it. I had to take the money or all hell would have broken out. I  must have found a unique woman. The OP can generalise but there are Vietnamese women who want to pay their way and who are independent. I met one first time and stuck with her.

Must be luck of the Irish mate...😄

Must be. We met on an online dating site and chatted for 7 months before I could finalise my retirement and move over here. When I read some of the other comments I now realise just how lucky I have been. I really could not deal with being used as a cash machine by a woman. Believe me I am very generous to those who deserve it and she deserves it. Amazing woman.