How to talk about money

You are the man. And you control the cash flow. That should be enough authority. You can explain yourself and maybe get nowhere..or maybe she doesn't understand....But if you limit the money going into her hands that should do the trick. It will also give you a healthy and realistic perspective of your relationship. You will know if it is based on mutual affection, trust and respect....or on money.

Khmer girls like to spend money. Trust me, I know. Plus, their family and friends encourage them to spend more of your money. For instance...My fiancées family got me to tell them at our engagement I would give $3,000 for the ceremony. After the fact, I realized $2,000 would be sufficient enough after talking with my Khmer friends. So, to stop the unnecessary spending I politely gave them $2,000 and said "tough"! So, your girlfriend will not leave you but you have to set the boundaries because Khmer girls think money grows on trees once exposed to wealth.

P.S. Don't buy her a Lexus or iPhone 6. Wait awhile!

My Friend, the only way to solve the financial spending issue is by getting onto the “same page” with your girlfriend. The two of you need to find out where you are and specifically where you want to go in the future, income, e.g., vs. spending and saving. Restricting a partner might create a negative effect as the partner might look for an alternative source of cash which is not conducive to a relationship. My advice is, have a talk but make sure it is not a condescending talk but rather a partnership talk. Regards Mike

Tell her, stop spending money or pound sand. Simple.

You must remember the golden rule - he who has the gold, makes the rules.

Dear livingincebu, rather a harsh response in a relationship case, wouldn't you think so. Perhaps the 2 looking to work out a real relationship with the possibility of a future and not a pick-me-up scenario, in a real relationship couples talk and don't dictate, just a thought. Regards Mike

I go by what I have learned over my many years of living in Southeast Asia.

You have to understand that, many Asians do not understand the concept of "saving for a rainy day". They do not grow up the same way you and I did. Many cannot budget money for the future, because, in their eyes, they may not have a future. Life is cheap here, as is in many parts of SE Asia.

For example, natives here do not go to work for a company because it offers a good retirement plan, a 401k, dental, health insurance, etc. They go to work to feed their families.

One must learn this before losing everything they have, simply because his girlfriend or wife does not understand the concept of saving.

Brute honesty. But, it may keep someone from losing their shirt and having to return to their home country - penniless.

I detect a great sense of disappointment you may have encountered being in SEA, however let's put this aside for the time, perhaps it can become another topic (cultural understanding) we can call it; whereby we can share different culture and understanding of different parts of the world. For now, let us find out what our friend who initially started the blog has to say? I (would like to say "we") look forward hearing from you. regards Mike

Mike CL wrote:

I detect a great sense of disappointment you may have encountered being in SEA, however let's put this aside for the time, perhaps it can become another topic (cultural understanding) we can call it; whereby we can share different culture and understanding of different parts of the world. For now, let us find out what our friend who initially started the blog has to say? I (would like to say "we") look forward hearing from you. regards Mike

I take it you have not spent a long time in SE Asia, Mike? Have you been in a relationship with an Asian woman? Something tells me that you have not, in either case.

Now, my replies are on topic, as they certainly apply to the original posters issues. Maybe he doesn't understand that you cannot give complete, free reign to a woman who has grown up during her life with little money, in comparison to what they may now have together. They believe that ATM is bottomless. Every time she puts the card in, money will come out. That's what she knows.

Oh, there is zero disappointment from my view over the course of time I have resided in SE Asia. I focus, pretty hard, on learning about other cultures. Not all women are the same, just as not all men are the same, from differing cultures. SE Asians are no exception. They are as different from us (westerners) as night and day.

You cannot treat a woman from SE Asia the same way you do a western woman. Many western women know how to budget and spend money wisely, especially if it is theirs. Most Asian women I have met over my years in Asia, do not. They are from a different world - almost.

If I give my g/f money, it will be gone. It doesn't matter if I give her $30 USD, or $300 USD - she will spend it. Therefore, I do not give her access to my ATM account unless I approve it. I have to budget our money so we have money left at the end of the money. I do not wish to be in a foreign land where I cannot eat because my g/f has spent every last cent on jewelry, clothes, mama and papa, or whatever reason(s) she may come up with.

Bear in mind here, I am not judging any woman for being that way. It is just the way many are brought up in this part of the world. Don't believe me? Take a look at all the Khmers who have $800 USD iPhones, yet live in a simple wooden home with a thatched roof. Their priorities are not in line with ours either. Here, a cell phone is a status symbol. For me, I am happy with a Nokia 1280 - about $10 to $15 USD. I'm not out to impress anyone.

Brother, I don't mean to be rude, or condescending toward you. But, I have resided in SE Asia for going on 15 years. I started visiting this part of the world back in January, 1991. So, while I am still somewhat new to Cambodia (going on 3 years here), I am not new to SE Asia.

And yes, I too, look forward to a reply from the original poster of this thread.

Have to disappoint you there; my wife is Khmer so we work abroad, just arrived after a 5 year assignment from Tanzania. We are in the Casino industry, combined +/- 15 years or so, a little new to Cambodia but not so new to the Asian way of living…

Let's compare apples with apples. The question arises, are we looking at a loose relationship e.g. pick up and drop kind of situation? If this is the case, I don't see any differences between Cambodia, Thailand, Australia, Germany, the US or any other country, the girl will most likely try to get as much as possible from the relationship. True in some countries one will get more than in others, it kind of depends on the poverty line.

On the other-hand, are we looking at a long-term, serious relationship, the kind a couple likes to build a future, in this case I would think a deeper and for certain a more trusted relationship is necessary, communication is paramount to success. If you have to watch every penny the wife might be spending, I guess, it's going the wrong direction already, failure imminent.

Coming to the point of status, it's quite the same everywhere I have been over the last 25 years, Europe, Africa and Asia. The poor, the middle class and the reach all have the same, for the lesser fortune it might be an iPhone, for others it is a car and for the others it's a Mercedes or Bentley, take your pick.

And I do hope our friend will come back to the conversation.

By the way, if you come to SR let me know, we have a beer together.

Regards Mike

Mike CL wrote:

Have to disappoint you there; my wife is Khmer so we work abroad, just arrived after a 5 year assignment from Tanzania. We are in the Casino industry, combined +/- 15 years or so, a little new to Cambodia but not so new to the Asian way of living…

Let's compare apples with apples. The question arises, are we looking at a loose relationship e.g. pick up and drop kind of situation? If this is the case, I don't see any differences between Cambodia, Thailand, Australia, Germany, the US or any other country, the girl will most likely try to get as much as possible from the relationship. True in some countries one will get more than in others, it kind of depends on the poverty line.

On the other-hand, are we looking at a long-term, serious relationship, the kind a couple likes to build a future, in this case I would think a deeper and for certain a more trusted relationship is necessary, communication is paramount to success. If you have to watch every penny the wife might be spending, I guess, it's going the wrong direction already, failure imminent.

Coming to the point of status, it's quite the same everywhere I have been over the last 25 years, Europe, Africa and Asia. The poor, the middle class and the reach all have the same, for the lesser fortune it might be an iPhone, for others it is a car and for the others it's a Mercedes or Bentley, take your pick.

And I do hope our friend will come back to the conversation.

By the way, if you come to SR let me know, we have a beer together.

Regards Mike

You haven't disappointed me. Not sure where that came from.

Either way, I was talking about long term relationships. I don't consider being with a woman short time, other than a business transaction. I'm not into those.

In a serious relationship, some just manage money better than others. If your wife does, kudos. Over my years in this part of the world, I have found very few who can. So, I choose to do that managing in my life. I tend to keep things longer that way.

Anyway, rather than to continue down this road, let's just agree to disagree.

After living here for almost three years, my understanding is the following (not experienced first hand, but through the Khmer friends I have):

The lady is the financial manager in a relationship. She takes all the family income, and then will give YOU the allowance. Dealing with things differently might go against everything she's grown up with. There's no "right" or "wrong" concept here. You should just keep it in mind when talking to her.

The other observation I've made first hand many times:

For a Khmer, the wealth of a Westerner, is in general limitless, no matter if they compare the rich Cambodian businessman with the poor western English teacher. Their mindset is that the westerner is always more wealthy. Why did the Caltex workers go on strike, and the Sokimex workers not? Because Caltex is foreign owned. Poor Mr Sok Kong can't afford paying higher wages.

Don't expect her to understand that this is not the case. I only know very few Khmer who get the idea.

Hi, I live in Indonesia but will probably move to Cambodia next year. With girls it is all the same everywhere, if you let her loose she will not respect you. I have many examples in here where if you do what you do, your relationship is in danger. One friend of my girlfriend gets more money then she can spend and he bought her a car for rainy days, like yourself, he also travels a lot and guess what, now she employed a very handsome and young private driver for this car. I give my girlfriend an allowance and not big at all, something like a wage of a doctor at a hospital or a chef of police in a small town. She is very happy with the money, looks up to me and start to be jealous.

You already have the answer.       Pay the rent and give an allowance otherwise you will be like any other Westerner In Cambodia with a Cambodia girl
You are a cash cow with a endless supply : and they will spend what ever they can get off you;
As they have no money sense what so ever
Think.    Bar girl.  $80 month.     Restaurant waitress $80 pm        Cleaner $60
How good are you and a great find
Cheers
Michael
Solina realty

The trouble with Asian woman is mostly NO MONEY NO HONEY

Back again,
I have always had a girl with a good job that could take care of herself. Now things have changed regarding the income of my gf. But I feel responsible for all us. Also her daughter (6 years) who is living with us. But it's hard for me to get used to this money wise. It would be the same situation for me somewhere else.

And yes, she wants a new iphone 5 and moto. But when I put her to the stand and say I only have money for a good school for your daughter or a moto. She choses for a good school. Although I can afford both, it is more a question of not spending more money that you receive every month. This is a difficult topic to understand for her.

We now have a shared account which I top up every other month, she can spend a fixed amount per week (which is quite generous) and she pays the rent and gas, water, internet etc from her part. There is enough money on the account and so far she doesn't take out more than the agreed amount. I hope it will give her some feeling of budgeting and saving for later.

This went good for a few weeks. But a week ago she came to me and asked if she could get a new Iphone5 and I mentioned that she had lost her S3 a few months ago and that we would get her a second hand Iphone4. She was surprised that I could say this and upset for 3 days. I could not get it in her mind, that 600$ for a phone is a bit much. Also because we spend quite some money on other things. No understanding from her side. (I must say I can spend easily 200$ for a new chain and exhaust for my dirt bike) We had a fierce discussion a week after this, about the limits of money again and she accepted it. Understanding it will come I hope. I have to see how things will develop.
Also how I will develop in this. can I give her access to all my savings. Do I want to buy a piece of land in Cambodia. For now I will not let her be the financial manager. I will do it myself. I am willing to lay all the cards on the table, but for now I will be the one who decides at the end.  Hope to get to a situation where I trust her completely with money.

Jealousy,
I know what you mean Aurelius103, some of her girlfriends have barangs as well and some of them get a lot of money. New moto's, phones and fancy dresses. And I see how she looks at them. But her best friends, that really matter to her are living in a small wooden house.

This is a holy truth, hahaha
No money no honey.

aurelius103 wrote:

This is a holy truth, hahaha
No money no honey.

I must be the only dude to marry a non prostitute, non greedy lady.
My wife hardly asks for anything, a pair of shoes here, a new dress there, then she feels guilty about spending the money.
I fancy the cinema later; she wants to go mid week because it's cheaper.

Hi Mas Fred, may I ask, where in Indonesia do you live?  I am also in Indonesia in Lombok, and my wife is like that too, She does  not like shopping or spending money,  and keep records of all her spending and shows me that later. I did not ask her to do that, she just wants to.  Before however with my other wifes it was alway about buying more and more and borrowing money to relatives.

South Tangerang.
The one thing she's asked for that cost money, was ask me to put her little sister into an SMP.
Her dad has no cash, so that would mean no school, so crap job or married at 14.
I don't mind at all.

May be on Lombok next June.

I think this is an important topic.   And the answer depends on what type of relationship you have.  Is it a relationship of convenience or something you both see as lasting forever.

Anyone who has not had experience with something will not know how to use it properly, and that includes money.   Take your own kids for example, when they are young they think you have unlimited money, and when you don't buy something they want you are simply being mean.   Lottery winners typically lose everything after a few years.   Of course they cannot handle money, people who have made money don't buy lottery tickets anyway.   So it is no surprise that a lot of Asian women, who have grown up poor, do not automatically know how to handle money, theirs or yours, and think that someone who has it must be rich.

Now certainly there are some people, including Asian women of course who are simply out to get all they can however they can get it.   They are narcissistic and sociopathic and simply see you as a way to further their own pathological needs.   Since they lack any empathy they are consummate liars, and will be able to thwart any effort on your part to be able to ascertain when they are lying or when they are telling the truth.   If this is your woman, you are sunk.  There is simply no way to rehabilitate someone with sociopathic tendencies.  Stop listening to the sweet Sirens and run away fast!

On the other hand most Khmer women just want a to be happy, to make a good life and home, create a happy family, have some security and most importantly have a loving relationship with a husband who looks only at them.

My Khmer wife now pays all our bills and handles most of our banking and finances.  It took her a while for her to learn about money limits, banking and finance, but now she is the one admonishing me for wasting our money.  Her mother, though she doesn't have a lot, is good with handling money as well and understands her son-in-law is not rich, but can and does take good care of her daughter.   We have a full and happy life together.  And if I get sick or am unable to take care of things, she can.

My wife certainly has Khmer friends both in the U.S. and Cambodia who don't know how to spend money.   They work earning minimum wage, but buy the most expensive phones, designer clothes and even $1000 purses.  She is now counseling them that it is not necessary to show off how much you have to be happy, and better to save.

One thing a lot of foreigners misunderstand is that when you marry a Khmer you also marry their family.  And a good daughter is expected to give a little to help take care of her parents.   Your good Khmer girl will do this and it is good for you too.   They are not choosing their parents over you.  They are instead not abandoning their family just because now they now have more money.   This kind of woman will also not abandon you just because someone else comes along with more money than you.  So think twice about asking your Khmer wife to abandon her family just because she now has you.

My advice to the OP is to start slowly having her take care of paying the bills and create an account for saving for extras.  Over time she will learn how much it costs to keep up the household, and start trying to save for those extras she wants.   It will take time and there will be ups and downs, but it will make you have a real home and life and goals together, rather than two separate people living in the same house always competing for limited resources.   Life with a Khmer wife can and should be the best in the world, but you have to work at it too.

Good Luck.

(Moderated: offensive and inappropriate comment)

gekkenhuis how did you work it out?  Hope things are better now.

CALPAC wrote:

gekkenhuis how did you work it out?  Hope things are better now.

I'm curious as well.