Nothing specific.

good morning is that passport to get out  or to get in...or to move freely from house to house without the owners knowing lol

toonarmy9752 wrote:

good morning is that passport to get out  or to get in...or to move freely from house to house without the owners knowing lol

We ay not all scallys ye nah

Found this, could come in handy;

http://www.whoohoo.co.uk/geordie-translator.asp

yes am afraid i have that book - well thumbed i may add-

I don't understand quite all of these but some are quite clever and amusing.

Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I'm travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I'd like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you'd like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I'd like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I'm lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don't serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting  next to him. Excited, he asks:  “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can't know that because we're inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What'll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I'll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I'll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I'll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I'll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer's wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A few more:

Why do Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? ... Because proper tea is theft.

Name a leading post modernist?
Foucault
Well be like that then.

Why didn't the quantum particle cross the road?
He was already on both sides?

Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

Descartes goes into a McDonalds and orders a burger.
The server asks him "Do you want fries with that?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and instantly he vanishes.

Black holes are outasight.

dont understand quite a few of them - thank god am lowbrow. or is that beer?

toonarmy9752 wrote:

dont understand quite a few of them - thank god am lowbrow. or is that beer?

A theist and an atheist walk into a bar. While there, they each order a coffee, and then they debate the existence of God.
Eventually, they agree, in a friendly manner, to disagree on the matter. As they walk out, the barman shouts, "Oi! Don't you two know what alcohol is for?"

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."


Badum Tishhh!!!

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or even about farming for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog!

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

One day I'd popped into the shops in Mellieha, and when I came back out, the 'stasi' parking officer was writing a ticket. I complained that I'd only be gone for five minutes. He ignored me, so I called him an idiot. He wrote another ticket, and I said that you may as well put another one on there for good luck. 20 minutes, and a few more tickets later, I admitted defeat and walked around the corner to pick up my own car and drove home.

just for fun.....

http://www.thegermanquiz.com/

Schade, I'm only 50% German. (And that's too much.)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:
"That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh.!!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her:
"The driver just insulted me!"
The man says:
"You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

You've got to much time on your hands lol

harleybird81 wrote:

You've got to much time on your hands lol

That is for sure. Great isn't it?
No rushing around. Love it!

Don't know
Still in uk rushing around waiting to come to Malta lol

beware you will have too much time on your hands but also take note the days here go so fast - am sure there is only 16 hours in a day.

Still sounds good to me
Gotta give it a try though lol

I think this is a classic and true.

Just prior to the fighting on the Ancre, the 63rd (Royal Naval) division received a new commanding officer after Major General Archibald Paris was wounded, Major General Cameron Shute, appointed on 17 October 1916. General Shute had an intense dislike for the unconventional "nautical" traditions of the division and made numerous unpopular attempts to stamp them out. Following a particularly critical inspection of the trenches by General Shute, an officer of the division, Sub-Lieutenant A. P. Herbert (pictured), later to become a famous humorous writer, legal satirist and Member of Parliament, penned a popular poem that summed up the feelings of the men of the RND:

The General inspecting the trenches
Exclaimed with a horrified shout
'I refuse to command a division
Which leaves its excreta about.'
But nobody took any notice
No one was prepared to refute,
That the presence of shit was congenial
Compared to the presence of Shute.
And certain responsible critics
Made haste to reply to his words
Observing that his staff advisors
Consisted entirely of turds.
For shit may be shot at odd corners
And paper supplied there to suit,
But a shit would be shot without mourners
If somebody shot that shit Shute.

Last night me and Rose watched three DVDs back to back......





........luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I couldn't believe my lad had been stealing from his job as a road worker................






.............but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Here are some genuine comments taken from letters sent to the council:-

1 - I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2 - It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

3 - I wish to complain that my father broke his ankle when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4 - Their eighteen year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5 - The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

6 - My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son & he gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pences but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants, takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

'No,' the woman replied - I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

she also had a child and damned thing went wild



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R044sleOW6I

There's a moral to this poem and applies equally in Malta as Australia Entrapment

I settled down to watch this programme about transgender marriage the other night, but was disappointed that it focused on scenery instead.

I phoned the BBC to complain.

Turns out that the Hebrides are Scottish Islands.n

I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for his Birthday,











...........so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse.

I was at the Tate Modern Gallery with my friend today and we saw a painting of a man with frizzy hair which had the name ‘Garfunkel' written underneath.
My friend said, “I like it, but is it Art?”

Scientists have crossed an albino chicken with an onion,
and finally created a white c*ck that brings tears to a woman's eyes.

What did I start here?

Interesting piece of history
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first

Police in Qrendi are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently.............














...............they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

So I have invented a new game – Quiet tennis
It's pretty much the same as normal tennis, but without the racquet.